A very short story about a vulnerable narcadoodle, Wally Green’s clerk, and Elvis impersonator from Kankakee named Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt.
Robbie will self-destruct in five seconds.
Thank you to blogger Molly Shea for the idea!
Manteno communal narcissist, swamp witch and poopyburner Bernadette Cacca has competition for the person with the crappiest behavior. She could spontaneously combust with jealousy over this news. Like a certain Kaitlin who crapped her pants at a party, Alen is #PoopingForBernadette
For her birthday today, Manteno Mistress of Poop, Entramanure and Communal Narcadoodle Bern Cacca wants to meet her idol, Kaitlin #PoopingForKaitlin Bennett! We hope she’s full o’ crap!
Happy Birthday to you
You really like poo
You burn your own poopies
You fart on them too!
And many moorrrrre…
Grandiose narc-a-doodle, Cinema-13 owner and CRASS Chief Book Cook Kon Teirant wants to bring in more cinema business, since his $1 off matinees are not bringing in enough people.
“Oh wonderful! My first customer!” Manteno-based entramanure Bern Cacca says of her first dumpster-rental order.
“And now, for some ENTERTAINMENT!” Kon says as his wife, Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant emerges from the dumpster, juggling bowling balls.
The usual trickle of patrons arrive at the multiplex.
To step up her act, Madwoman the Dumpster Clown hurls the nine-pound-balls at people, hoping to bring in more customers and their friends.
She has the balls to try it, though it does not really help increase revenue.
Lighting the dumpster on fire, Madwoman has a ball trying to lure in new customers, but all she attracts are police cars and fire trucks.
Broken News:
Kankakee County Wally Green’s clerk, vulnerable narcissist, and self-proclaimed Number One Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt is dancing his way all around the county! Bourbonnais, Manteno, Aroma Park — look out!
A new life awaits you in the Off-World Colony. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure! Sign up now at Nexus Employment Solutions — right in Manteno, Illinois!
As Sybil Kibble was bagging her groceries at the local Schmucks grocery store, she had a close encounter of the Elevator Man kind. He asked about her melons, Sybil just laughed and left. Elevator Man flew away in his spaceship to make out-of-this-world calls from Mars.
(Video warning: language.)
While on her break from a particularly demanding — but successful — day at Kankakee craporation Credit Recovery Associates, LLC (CRASS), Lead Collections Representative Sybil Kibble takes a break from her usual dog food lunch to check out the online news.
Sybil logs off the autodialer, sets down her headset, and logs into the daily Kankakee newspaper’s web site. A yellow article, thinly disguised as news, catches Sybil’s eye immediately:
“Step up your lawn mowing game with a new, AutonaMower by SteppinUp Technologies! Make your neighbors jealous by being the first person on the block to own the new AutonaMower! Feel the power of its remote control technology while you set it to mow your lawn, walk away, and forget it! Never has been mowing your lawn been so easy! Now, the Joneses can keep up with you!”
Sybil was hooked.
“Break time is over. Get back to work!” Tara Bull growled. I should not have to babysit you.
Sybil slid back into her seat and logged into the autodialer.
As soon as Sybil makes her last collection that day – making certain to double down on that fake debt – Sybil slams down the headset and peels out the CRASS parking lot driving her Chrysler LeBaron. Off to the Buckethead’s Hardware in Bradley she went!
Sybil walks into Buckethead’s and looks around. “Welcome to Buckethead’s, where we save you money!” said Samantha, a bright eyed, bushy blonde wearing a green shirt.
“I like the sound of that!” squeals Sybil as they skip back to the lawn and garden department.
“Tony will be able to assist you” Samantha says and walks away.
“Hey Tony, I need a lawnmower that mows the lawn for you.”
“Ha, well we just got those in. They are pretty cool. We have this one operated by remote control. It hooks into your smartphone and even tells time. And then, for just 40.00 more, we have the deluxe model that has a built in radio! It even has a cupholder!”
“Hey Tony, they’re great.” Tony rolls his eyes slightly.
“However, I am not looking to spend a lot. Just gimme the cheapest model.”
“Oh-kay. We have in our economy section the AutonaMower. It mows the lawn for you. It’s our only gas model on the floor and it is on sale. $299.99”
“I’ll take it.” Sybil can barely contain her excitement. She checks out and heads home to Kankakee.
Sybil finishes up her bowl of dog food for dinner and cannot wait to unbox her new toy. She is so excited, she skips her dog bone dessert.
Out to her oh-so-slightly overgrown, manicured lawn she heads. Sybil opens the box. “Instructions? Who needs these?” Sybil chucks the manual in the trash.
Now, how do I turn this thing on? Sybil starts pressing buttons. “Crap.”
“Hey Tony?” Sybil says on her cell phone, on speaker so all the neighbours can hear.
“My lawnmower is not working.”
“Did you try putting batteries in the remote?” Tony asks.
“Oh. Nevermind.” Sybil presses the end key on her phone.
Sybil puts the included two AA batteries into the remote and presses the start key. The remote is programmed and ready to go. However the lawnmower does not even turn on.
Sybil screams a string of expletives.
Clouds roll in. As people say in the Midwest, if you do not like the weather, wait five minutes.
It begins to pour. Sybil gets so infurated that she packs up the AutonaMower, grabs the instruction manual out of the garbage, stuffs it in the box and heads back to Bucketheads in Bradley.
Sybil struts in and straight to Lawn ‘N Garden. “Tony, you sold me a broken model. This thing is crap, your store is crap.” She slams it on the floor.
“Did you put gas in it?” Tony asks.
“Ohhhh, grrrrreat.” Sybil says.
Tony laughs and rolls his eyes. It is all he can do after a long day working retail, having put up with customers like Sybil.
MoronicArts 
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