Tag: illinois

How Bern Cacca Takes Her Coffee

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Image: Pawn Stars show still with coffee mug atop store dealer’s neck. Text: Best I can do is make you poop.
Communal narcissist, port-o-dump operations manager, and bumbling idiot who burns her poopies in her Manteno fireplace, Bernadette “Bern” Cacca loves to drink coffee because it makes her go-go-go!

The Kibble Family Portrait – 1970

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Image: a color cartoon of a mother and father, with their 10 year old daughter in the middle, posing for a family portrait.

The 10-year-old Sybil Kibble could not wait to go get her picture taken at the local Robert Mills photo studio. Meanwhile, her parents JoAnn and Eldon Kibble did not feel so sure about the idea.

Have you had a family photo taken? How did it go?

You’re In My Seat

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A full-colour cartoon set in a dim bar. A bald, bespectacled heavyset elderly gentleman sits alone at the bar until a very large man walks over toward him.

Alone at the bar after a hard day thinking up useless inventions, Kankakee drugstore owner and tall-tale-teller Wally Green slowly sips his beer hoping a pretty lady would walk in wearing a big smile. Think again, Wally.

Wally Cooks Up Wacky Inventions

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A black-and-white cartoon of an elderly man sitting at a table covered in mechanical parts, test tubes and a drink. Framed pictures can be seen in the background containing text: "Feel The Power Award. FT Power; Bunghole Business; I love Kankakee."


Winner of the prestigious FT Power award and proud member of the Bunghole Business Bureau, Illinois drugstore founder Wally Green loves attending award assemblies!

Look what Wally invented now:


CrapStraps
These bag straps are specially designed longer than they need to be, so they get caught on everything! Why get regular straps when you can get CrapStraps! Coming soon: StrangleTangles!


SpyTV
Are you stuck on the couch, watching the idiot box? Do you talk to your TV? Get the television that talks back! SpyTV randomly listens to your speech, so it can interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, just to sell you crap you mentioned! Upgrade and get our deluxe model that spies on your thoughts!


Magic Closing Doors
Do you hate it when a door stays open? Do you like getting your leg severed? Try our magic closing doors for your car. Old or new, we have a Magic Closing Door just for you!

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you, home of the 50% off (but never free) sale! We just graded our parking lots to make it easier for our carts to hit your vehicle!

Sybil Kibble & Her Dating Misadventures.

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Looking for a dog-food date, Sybil Kibble places a want-ad. Look at all those hot contenders!

Screenshot from a dating app conversation. Text: "Hello, I am incredibly surprised to see your profile Reply: I love surprises, so does Damien from MoronicArts."
What a surprise, Diego — err — Dr. Diego.

A screenshot from a dating chat. Text: I hope you're reading this, it's for you. Reply: are you sure it's for me? I thought you meant to write Gothic Diana Ross."
No way, certainly he meant to email Gothic Diana Ross and the Midnight Supremes.
A dating ad from an 75-year-old-man seeking a woman 20-35. Text: "I'm not much but I'm better than nothing."
Though she may be very fit, Sybil passed on this guy, as he reminded her too much of Manteno sociopath and poop-enthusiast Peppi Cacca.

a screenshot of a facebook instant message from a stranger.
Why use dating apps when these very single men can just slide into her inbox?

A full-colour meme featuring The Texas Seven mugshots. Text: "Don't claim to remember the year 2000 if you don't know who this biy band was."
Sybil took a break from dating apps and listened to her favorite Boy band, The Texas 7.
Aren’t they dreamy? Ahhh…

A Song After Bernadette and Damien’s Own Fart

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Kankakee communal narcissists Bern Cacca and Damien Hurlbutt met one night dancing to this farty tune playing at a local grocery store. Damien did the scoot-and-poot and Bern lit a match.

Under The Bridge

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A full-color illustration of an older lady running underneath a dingy bridge. Graffiti text reads: "Robbie", "Damien" and an anarchy symbol can be seen drawn onto the underpass wall.

Town troll Leona Krabalsky runs from under her bridge between Kankakee and Bourbonnais after Manteno sociopath and port-a-potty entremanure Peppi Cacca confronts her for selling fake drugs. Peppi brags he has “ARI: Armed Redneck Insurance.”

Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

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A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]

Madeline, You Tried.

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Black text on a white background reading "All RESIDNTS…A vacancy exists on the Board of Commissioner position…"
Property Manager, traveling clown, and overt narcissist Madeline Topolla-Teirant wants all the “residnts” to know there exists a vacancy on the “Board of Commissioner position” at Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments. Right.

The Narcissist Brothers – Robbie and Damien Hurlbutt

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
A black and white drawing featuring concentric circles, a cartoon of an Elvis impersonator and a neckbeard wearing a fedora. Text: Robbie, Damien. Old Supply, New Supply. You Got It, We Want It. Robbie and Damien
New Supply, Old Supply — You Got It, We Want it.

They know what they want, and they want it right now!

Call D. U. Hurlbutt at 500-FART-NOW