Tag: kankakee

How Bern Cacca Takes Her Coffee

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Image: Pawn Stars show still with coffee mug atop store dealer’s neck. Text: Best I can do is make you poop.
Communal narcissist, port-o-dump operations manager, and bumbling idiot who burns her poopies in her Manteno fireplace, Bernadette “Bern” Cacca loves to drink coffee because it makes her go-go-go!

The Kibble Family Portrait – 1970

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Image: a color cartoon of a mother and father, with their 10 year old daughter in the middle, posing for a family portrait.

The 10-year-old Sybil Kibble could not wait to go get her picture taken at the local Robert Mills photo studio. Meanwhile, her parents JoAnn and Eldon Kibble did not feel so sure about the idea.

Have you had a family photo taken? How did it go?

CRASS Chief Mack E. Avelli’s Vision

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Dimly-lit cartoon of a dark-haired man in his late 50s, wearing a bathrobe and glasses, waving.

“God is that you, I have some questions,” asks Kankakee debt-collection firm CRASS’ chief, Mack E. Avelli. “I am sorry IF I have ripped people off. I was just trying to help. I come from a broken home, and my heel spurs really have been hurting. I have a stitch in my side…”

“Mack, go back to bed! It’s just your phone!” exclaims his 22-year-old wife Judithann.

Mr. Avelli checks his mobile phone, despite his wife’s plea, putting it on speaker:

“We have pre-approved loans and you still may be eligible. Press one now to get a hassle-free decision…”

You’re In My Seat

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A full-colour cartoon set in a dim bar. A bald, bespectacled heavyset elderly gentleman sits alone at the bar until a very large man walks over toward him.

Alone at the bar after a hard day thinking up useless inventions, Kankakee drugstore owner and tall-tale-teller Wally Green slowly sips his beer hoping a pretty lady would walk in wearing a big smile. Think again, Wally.

Madeline Thinks She Is Really IT.

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Black-and-white cartoon featuring a large, white, female clown at a cafe getting thrown out by a Latinx barista,

Manager of Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments, Vaudeville clown and sociopath Madeline Topolla-Teirant sat down to study for her clown-school SATs at the Bourbonnais Buckstars after screaming demands at the friendly cafe staff, hoping to score herself a free drink. Madeline, known as “Madwoman” to her peers and tenants, thinks she can get her way by barking at people and calling them names like a schoolyard bully.

“I need you to leave and never come back” part-time barista Fernando T. Perez asserted. Of course, Madwoman threw a Karen fit, calling it “illegal” to throw her out, hurling racial slurs and colorful language. That’s IT!” Fernando called police and pointed at Madwoman.

Needless to say, the mad clown was hurled out, and banned for life.

Up On The Roof

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Sybil Kibble joined her ma JoAnn Kibble on the roof of their Kankakee McMansion, to squirrel-watch. Doesn’t this sound like fun?

Happy Mother’s Day from Sybil Kibble!

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A colour drawing of a middle aged, blonde woman wearing glasses next to an elderly lady with short, curly hair. Text: Sut mae ac IL (Translation: how are you, from Illinois)

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble bought her Ma JoAnn Kibble some new bus parts for her collection.

There is more to the story…

https://ko-fi.com/i/IF1F04KHK1

Under The Bridge

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A full-color illustration of an older lady running underneath a dingy bridge. Graffiti text reads: "Robbie", "Damien" and an anarchy symbol can be seen drawn onto the underpass wall.

Town troll Leona Krabalsky runs from under her bridge between Kankakee and Bourbonnais after Manteno sociopath and port-a-potty entremanure Peppi Cacca confronts her for selling fake drugs. Peppi brags he has “ARI: Armed Redneck Insurance.”

Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

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A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]

Madeline, You Tried.

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Black text on a white background reading "All RESIDNTS…A vacancy exists on the Board of Commissioner position…"
Property Manager, traveling clown, and overt narcissist Madeline Topolla-Teirant wants all the “residnts” to know there exists a vacancy on the “Board of Commissioner position” at Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments. Right.