- Write to classified ads from 25 years ago. Personal ads a plus.
- Forward those survey emails get when you give away your info at the store to all your friends in your contact list.
- Call 1-900 chat lines and ask for pizza.
- Burn girlie magazines in the fireplace. When the owner of the magazines sees what you’re doing and gets mad, tell him that you ran out of firewood and didn’t want to freeze.
- Wish somebody a happy birthday in the paper when it’s not their birthday. Better yet, make up names (and try to rhyme).
- Speak in tongues to telemarketers.
- Ring the doorbell at a stranger’s house right when they show the Publisher’s Clearing House van pull up on TV on the day they pick the winner. Then run away as fast as possible.
- Pronounce company initials and vowel-less acronyms as whole words.
- Call up companies and ask if they’re “hearing”. When they ask you what you’re talking about, ask if you can get an “aphlication”.
- Drive a motorcycle up your parents’ stairs when they’re trying to sleep.
A fart that comes out of your butt without you even trying. Also known as the Automated Fart.
A fart that diguises itself as something else. It could sound like anything from a creaky floor, to a coffeemaker, from the dishwasher, to the loud bass eminating from the neighbour’s car stereo. Usually heard from a distance.
You’re standing in a store minding your own business, when suddenly, the person next you rips one. The farter, usually male, often goes by the name “Dad”, “Honey” or “Grandpa.”
Sports Fart: When you’re running around, not thinking about the beans you had for lunch, and a loud ripping sound is heard as you kick, pass, jump or bend over.
Lucky Fart: One that attempts to ruin the would-be farter’s social situation, but forfeits at the last second.
For example: you’re dancing with the object of your desire when you suddenly you feel a bubble form in your colon. You fear the worst as your dancing partner begins to move closer and gyrate their hips, but the fart subsides and finds its way back into your system.
Butt Trumpet/Trumpet Butt Fart: This sour note is pretty self explanatory.
Interactive fart: A fart that causes a chain reaction.
For example: Someone rips one, which causes the dog to bark, which wakes up your mother, which causes an argument, which…
Natural Fart: The kind of fart you hear at a nudist camp. What makes this one unique is the lack of clothing to buffer the sound.
Virtual Fart: Something that sounds like a fart, but isn’t. For example: you squeeze some ketchup, and someone blames you for letting one, even though you swear up and down that it never happened.
Helpful Fart: Just as the name implies.
For example: A fart that scratches an itch in your butt, or one that warms your backside on a cold Winter’s day.
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