Tag: literature

Somebirdy Needs Better Hobbies.

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“Why are you wearing THAT? What is that thing in your nose? That looks awful!” a creepy – yet familiar – voice echoes throughout the the eaves of Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes’ Manteno home, annoying the poor ladies who are just sitting down on their patent leather chairs minding their own business. Their stalker is back.

Wanting to find the source of their pest, the trio of slender black beauties climb atop the roof of their slate Gothic Victorian mansion, and briefly take in the view of their town. Illinois is full of small towns. This is one of them.

“Why is that stupid vulture asking us dumb questions and pooping all over her claws?” Gothic Diana Ross asks her bandmates about the bird trespassing on their grass.

“It flew into our wall today. Twice.” Gothic Mary deadpans.

A large nest is spotted, hidden inside one of the spires.

The shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture hurls more insults at the talented sisters.

“Your hair is full of rats’ nests! You need a wax! When’s the last time you had a shower?”

“That looks like Bernadette’s mom!” Gothic Flo tells the Ross siblings.

Gothic Diana has had enough. She looks Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran dead in the eye, only for the stupid bird to go into defensive mode. Carla pukes up all over the Ross sisters’ lawn. Feeling egged on, Mrs. Moran tries to make herself look bigger by extending and flapping her wings as if they were fists ready for a fight. She looks like a confused chicken.

“Here’s your rat’s nest!” Gothic Flo says as she chucks Carla’s second home clear across Kant Street into next Tuesday. The ladies don’t like squatters.

Carla flies up onto the roof, and starts making demands. She clearly has no concept of boundaries.

“NOW I CAME HERE TO TEACH YOU GUYS A LESSON! SEE WHAT YOU DID? NOW I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!”

“I’ll show you respect!” Gothic Diana Ross knocks the angry bird straight into the ground with a single punch, Carla’s long, pointy beak stuck straight into the grass. The inverted bird’s long, dark tail sticks straight up with her cloaca for all the neighbors to see.

The ladies share a deep belly laugh, and beckon their next-door-neighbor, the equally moronic Bernadette Moran Cacca to pick up her mother.

Latinum Power!

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Win up to a million slips of Latinum, from these new scratchers brought to you by the Ferengi School of Business! Buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s!

“Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money”
– Ulis

Meets Ferengi Rules of Acquisition 1, 9, 10, 18, 23, 57, 75, 102, 229, 263.

8-Step Verification!

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

Do you like having to grab your sleeping phone just so you can get a code to log into a website, for which you have already typed your password and username? (On two separate screens, of course!) How many puzzles have you solved to prove you are really a human, and not a more-human-than-human android? 

Now you can spend hours of fun trying to get a single task done with Wally Green’s new 8-Step Verification CrapApp!

Wally’s 8-Step Verification CrapApp comes pre-loaded on all D-Mobile phones and you can download it for devices you already own! Our phones check to see that the real you really is really really you really, after you’ve already readied your phone already.

First solve the puzzle, then type in the number that’s on your phone. Next, will call you with a six-character alphanumeric code to type in upside down! Draw a figure eight, then enter username. Wait for the spinning cheerio of death, then enter your password. Go order a pizza, wait for delivery, then eat it. 

Ooops! We don’t recognize that password. Please visit your corner Wally Green’s for assistance. If you are single, ask for Wally Green himself! He has already pushed himself away from every single lady at the Gaslight Bar by telling his long-winded yarns and by blowing his 90 decibel air-horn nose.

Buy one, get one half off (but never free)! While you are shopping, be sure to check out the do-it-yourself nasal endoscopy kit and pick up some rolls of half-ply toilet paper!

Marty The Mailer-Daemon Flirts With Judi Avelli

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Judi Avelli, 20-something wife of the 60-something Mack E. Avelli, enjoys being flirted with by Marty the Mailer-Daemon while her husband is too busy running the crooked Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS). She does not care who she dates or flirts with as long as he is evil – dead or alive.

Captured

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments
A black-and-white drawing of a skinny blonde lady photographing a daemon at the mall.

“Ooooh, you’re cute” says 22 year young Judy Avelli, as she encounters Marty the Mailer-Daemon at a Chicagoland mall. Meanwhile, her 60-something husband, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) cheese-in-chief Mack E. Avelli is outside photographing roadkill. Judy captures Marty on film, while the mailer-daemon captures her heart.

GrammarLOON

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Wally Green proudly Introduces his new CrapApp GrammarLOON! Now you can pay money to make your computer interrupt you writing that important document for your boss, only to get whole sentences replaced with absolute gibberish! Impress your teacher by getting Ds instead of As or Bs on your homework because GrammarLOON screwed it up!

As seen in a recursive advertising loop on PooTube, the makers of AutoIncorrect want to take your typing frustrations to the next level! We are absolutely ducking sure you can buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s! 

Cross your fingers to safely pull into our Kankakee County corner lot, get a decent spot, then pick up a Word Salad Adapter for your Turd Machine while you’re there waiting two hours for your meds (which we told you on the phone would be ready in twenty minutes). If you happen to see the owner and wacky inventor Wally Green himself, ladies you sure are in luck! He is single, will date any woman who stands on two legs and won’t take no for an answer!

The Craptocoin

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite emojis?
View all responses

Made from Newly Formed Turds (NFTs) mined the old-fashioned way, Manteno’s very own bog witch and doo-doo-gooder Bern Cacca says:
“Craptocoin can put poop back into your backside! Have a good do your business day!”
– B.M. Cacca

Be sure to wipe and flush. Don’t forget to wash your hands!

Kankakee Rap Tune is a Hit with Sybil Kibble.

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Kankakee bill-collector, basic babe and dog-food connoisseur Sybil Kibble thinks this rap tune is such a bop, she made it her ringtone.

Golden Moron Award: Bye, PooTuber!

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Languages are cool, xenophobia is not. The MrBoast of Language Youtubers has announced his departure, and not even in an airport! Why, do you ask?

After studying a boatload of languages just enough to impress people — and make self-serving videos featuring his creepy mug bragging — this patron saint of goodbyes had blamed NYC “immigrants” for his move to New Jersey.

It costs nothing to not be prejudiced, yet here he is. Who goes to Jersey on purpose, let alone moves — or vacations there? To…get away from people who speak different languages…while making a language show?

We hope the door did not hit him on the way out.

The Philly suburbs would be great for him. Maybe he can get a job working for Virtua? This replicant would be a perfect fit, a great place for people who flunk the Voight-Kampff test.

For behaving like a complete and utter hypocrite, we award this random Youtuber the Golden Moron Award! We are glad your award-winning mask is crumbling and we can finally see your true self. Now get some better hobbies.

YEET!