Welcome Back, Brandon Dixon

After spending 30 days in Kankakee County Jail, Brandon Dixon was happy to be free again to sell imbecile machine at his used vehicle lot.

Brandon could not wait to drive his overly lifted truck, covered in decals displaying The Imitation Punisher, profane sayings in a gun-shaped-font, and a Confederate flag to his ”Welcome Party.”

Mr. Dixon would do anything to make sure his Compensationmobiles would go to his customers, however he missed all sales that day.

Moronic Half Assets Puts Their People First

Kankakee County’s Vaudeville troupe Moronic Half-Assets (MHA) boasts they put people first, as they have all the entertainment with half the budget.

Master of Ceremonies, Cinema-13 owner and CRASS Chief Cook of the Books Konrad Teirant tells really bad jokes. Meanwhile his wife Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant juggles chainsaws and tries to balance on a large ball. Robbie Hurlbutt does his best Elvis impersonation

Since their show attendance has been rather non-existent, the Teirants invite their kids Bratley, Chanel # 6 and * to watch the Aroma Park couple and their Kankakee buddy Robbie perform, becoming the first audience members ever.

Since their kids are the only people in attendance that night, the MHA audience again dwindles down to a mere goose egg since they get bored watching their parents’ lame act and walk out.

Catch their tour across the United States (or not):

June 31st 2022 in Gary, Indiana

February 30th, 2023 in Utica, New York

May 32, 2023 in Steubenville, Ohio

Damien Hurlbutt Thinks Excess Plastic is Fantastic

For Bourbonnais cinema clerk, communal narcissist, and neckbeard Damien Hurlbutt, invalidation of others’ feelings has always been one heck of a drug.

”Hey Damien? Why does Buckstars wrap all their plastic utensils in even more plastic?”

”Well actually, Lori…I was watching the Angery Game Nerd Show on PooTube and the host gets mad there is not enough packaging. After all, plastics makers need to make money too…“ Damien the self-proclaimed “nice guy” said to his ex wife at their former home in Champaign. Lori Brown – whom Damien calls “Grimace” – has been happily divorced from the Bourbonnais cinema clerk who sent her doctors lunacy letters, thinking he knew more about psychology than…um…an actual psychologist?

Have you known someone like Damien? I hope not. Lori would not wish his abuse on her worst enemy.

Happy Birthday Bernadette Cacca!

For her birthday today, Manteno Mistress of Poop, Entramanure and Communal Narcadoodle Bern Cacca wants to meet her idol, Kaitlin #PoopingForKaitlin Bennett! We hope she’s full o’ crap!

Happy Birthday to you

You really like poo

You burn your own poopies

You fart on them too!

And many moorrrrre…

Major CRASS Announcement!

Image: a monotone cartoon of a man with dark hair, glasses, wearing a suit. A dollar sign can be seen on his tie.
CRASS Chief Cheese, Mack E. Avelli

1 April 2022

Mack E. Avelli
Chief Executive Officer
CRASS, LLC
7800 Beverly Blvd
Kankakee, IL 60901
(815) 555-MACK

Re: Money Giveaway!

Kankakee, Illinois’ Credit Recovery Associates, (CRASS), LLC is pleased to announce its first annual money giveaway. Its associates will randomly call debtors and give away money instead of asking for them to pay it.

“We here at CRASS would like to give back instead of taking. It makes us feel good to do that.” says CRASS Chief Executive Officer Mack E. Avelli in a statement.

He would also like to wish everyone a Happy April Fool’s Day. Gotcha!