Solitaire

Deerfield, Illinois-born drugstore chief, wacky inventor and barfly Wally Green is playing solitaire at The Gaslight after the nice lady in heels rejected his moves. Apparently his tall tales about wrongly losing the deed to Manhattan Island – after pirates had stolen it from his ancestors – was too much for her to handle. I wonder what she thinks of the air-horn inside his nose which blares whenever he blows it.

Bring Your Parents To Work Day

“I just got a new kill-switch for my bus parts collection” JoAnn “JK” Kibble tells with heartfelt enthusiasm to her daughter Sybil, Lead Debt Collector at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) in Kankakee. It is Bring Your Parents to Work Day here at CRASS.

“I wonder if she’s single” bill collector Dale Davis thinks about his the mother of his boss Sybil, since Miss Kibble had rejected his many advances in the past. He runs in place and tests his heart repeatedly on his watch, hoping to impress The Kibbles.

“The squirrels are really nuts around here. They are nature’s comedians,” Sybil says to her mom as she crunches on a bunch of dog bones.

In Lieu-Au Fun

Manteno’s self-proclaimed “giver extraordinaire” who performs accordion covers of pop-tunes to raise money for the photo opportunity, Bernadette Cacca holds a kitschy, Hawaiian-themed shindig to thank her enablers, the Poopy Groupies. She really wants them to know she just loves their continued excellence in bum-kissing and useless-drama creation.

“That’s so bad!” Bernadette says as Peppi leaves the party. “He just came for the food and did not stay. All I do for him! All I do for the world! He just left me here to die alone!”

“He left for the washroom, Bern. I would too if I ate pineapple on pizza,” JB the Turd-Burglar tells his crush, the Manteno Wonder herself, Mrs. Bernadette Cacca.

Mommy, Where Do Craptocoins Come From?

Manteno’s favourite pretend-do-gooder Bernadette Cacca plays accordion cover tunes for the Manteno Optimal Club. She also tries raise funds for Ukraine – and of course – the photo opportunity. Why donate anonymously when you can make it look like you care?

She only accepts Craptocoin, mined the old-fashioned way, donating 10 per cent of her tips to charity. She takes the rest home and burns it in her fireplace.

From what is Craptocoin made? NFTs – Newly Formed Turds!

Butt first, Mrs. Cacca has to drink and eat on her campaign to promote irrregularity for her regulars.

Creepy Real Life Stories To Tell In The Dark

My phone fell in the toilet.

This guy won’t take no for an answer. No means no!

Someone used the restroom and did not flush!

Online trolls get chased out their mothers’ basements and bother people in person instead…

She forgot to wash her hands!

Soap is cheap: why don’t people bathe?

This is the eighth time this week some nosey stranger harassed me on the bus! Why won’t they get a hobby?

The Chickenheads Debut Their New EEP-PEE!

Kankakee Rappers Ty-Fowl and D-Fail (Tyrell Fowler and Doug Failure) debut their new Extended Play rap record, “All About Us!”

  1. Hooray For Superficiality!
  2. The Chicken Dance (Farmer Hurlbutt’s Extra Clucks Remix)
  3. Let’s Do Something (Other Than Sex)
  4. Things That Make You Go Ppppphphppppplttttt!
  5. Let’s All Go (To Sleep)
  6. 6 Degrees and Rising (Hell Freezes Over Mix)
  7. I’m In Hate With You
  8. We’re Poor & We Don’t Score (Every Hoop We Shoot Is A Whiff) Feat. Roe-Mello Fowler
  9. The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Mix)
  10. The Chicken Dance (Auto-tuned Low-Pass Mix)

Coming soon to AudioCumulus!