Tag: one minute read

Welcome Back, Brandon Dixon

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

After spending 30 days in Kankakee County Jail, Brandon Dixon was happy to be free again to sell imbecile machine at his used vehicle lot.

Brandon could not wait to drive his overly lifted truck, covered in decals displaying The Imitation Punisher, profane sayings in a gun-shaped-font, and a Confederate flag to his ”Welcome Party.”

Mr. Dixon would do anything to make sure his Compensationmobiles would go to his customers, however he missed all sales that day.

Joe Biden is visiting to a farm in Kankakee tomorrow and this has been going around FB. I cropped out their meeting place and time.
by inillinois

Moronic Half Assets Puts Their People First

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Kankakee County’s Vaudeville troupe Moronic Half-Assets (MHA) boasts they put people first, as they have all the entertainment with half the budget.

Master of Ceremonies, Cinema-13 owner and CRASS Chief Cook of the Books Konrad Teirant tells really bad jokes. Meanwhile his wife Madeline “Madwoman” Topolla-Teirant juggles chainsaws and tries to balance on a large ball. Robbie Hurlbutt does his best Elvis impersonation

Since their show attendance has been rather non-existent, the Teirants invite their kids Bratley, Chanel # 6 and * to watch the Aroma Park couple and their Kankakee buddy Robbie perform, becoming the first audience members ever.

Since their kids are the only people in attendance that night, the MHA audience again dwindles down to a mere goose egg since they get bored watching their parents’ lame act and walk out.

Catch their tour across the United States (or not):

June 31st 2022 in Gary, Indiana

February 30th, 2023 in Utica, New York

May 32, 2023 in Steubenville, Ohio

It’s a NULL from me.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) Chief of Information Technology, Fernando T. Perez, wants drive to the office here in Kankakee and show off his new vanity plate. Sadly, he shows up late to his job managing the Enigma Machines attached to birdcages. Find out why in this video:

Needs More Butt Trumpet

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“This song needs more farty sounds.”

“Isn’t it groovy?” Kankakee Elvis impersonator and wannabe ladies’ man Robbie Hurlbutt asks his brother-in-narcissism Damien who loves to brag about his toot-a-lage.

“I only like the fart parts.”

Silly Birds, The Squirrels Need to Eat

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Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and her silly ma JoAnn love to go squirrel watching. Sybil made sure to bring some dog bones to munch on during her excursion.

“Squirrels are nature’s comedians.”

— Sybil Kibble

Bern Cacca Has Met Her Match

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Manteno communal narcissist, swamp witch and poopyburner Bernadette Cacca has competition for the person with the crappiest behavior. She could spontaneously combust with jealousy over this news. Like a certain Kaitlin who crapped her pants at a party, Alen is #PoopingForBernadette

Happy Birthday Bernadette Cacca!

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

For her birthday today, Manteno Mistress of Poop, Entramanure and Communal Narcadoodle Bern Cacca wants to meet her idol, Kaitlin #PoopingForKaitlin Bennett! We hope she’s full o’ crap!

Happy Birthday to you

You really like poo

You burn your own poopies

You fart on them too!

And many moorrrrre…

Major CRASS Announcement!

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Image: a monotone cartoon of a man with dark hair, glasses, wearing a suit. A dollar sign can be seen on his tie.
CRASS Chief Cheese, Mack E. Avelli

1 April 2022

Mack E. Avelli
Chief Executive Officer
CRASS, LLC
7800 Beverly Blvd
Kankakee, IL 60901
(815) 555-MACK

Re: Money Giveaway!

Kankakee, Illinois’ Credit Recovery Associates, (CRASS), LLC is pleased to announce its first annual money giveaway. Its associates will randomly call debtors and give away money instead of asking for them to pay it.

“We here at CRASS would like to give back instead of taking. It makes us feel good to do that.” says CRASS Chief Executive Officer Mack E. Avelli in a statement.

He would also like to wish everyone a Happy April Fool’s Day. Gotcha!

Thank you fans, for 1000 Likes!

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Four and a half years later, the 300 some-odd tales from the Moroniverse gained 1000 likes!

How grand! Sybil Kibble thanks each and every one of you.

Spread the joy of Sybil’s dog-food adventures — please invite a friend to become a regular here at MoronicArts using their email or WordPress account.

0.00 — CHEAP! (Just like Sybil)

(Just avoid that Manteno fartknocker Bernadette Cacca if you can. 0/10 Not recommended. Would give negative stars if I could.)