Tag: one minute read

Sorry, Wally. I Did Not Catch That.

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Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and wannabe ladies’ man Wally Green sits in his house developing a new interactive voice response (IVR) recording for callers to his store chain.

In Wally’s voice, callers to his pharmacies will have as much of their time wasted as possible trying to get through to a human.

No dial option, all callers must speak their request.

It will go a little something like this:

Please say in a few words what you are calling about.

“Sorry I did not catch that. Please say…”

“Come again? Please say in a few words what you are calling about. And be sure to take our brief 20 question survey when you are done with this call. Wally thanks you. By the way, he is single and looking.”

Damien Wanted To Put the Fun in Dysfunction

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“These stupid meds. I hate having to take them. Plus they’re so plop-happy! Plop, plop, plop. If I wanted them on the floor, I’d put them on the floor!” the former Mrs. Hurlbutt said about the medication she took to cope with the stress from her then-husband. Communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt used neagtive humor to devalue his supply Lori whom he used to idealize, as his mask was crumbling.

“That’s so clowny. Why don’t you get a spice rack for your pill bottles, Lori?”

“Damien, you said that about 12 times before. It was not funny the first time.”

“Are you taking your Klownopin?” Damien asked wearing his clown outfit, and honked his bicycle horn for extra moronic effect.

Lori gladly left Champaign and her narcissistic ex-husband, multiplex clerk Damien, famous for writing these Lunacy Letters to mansplain psychology to Lori’s psychologist. 

Damien got fired after several poor reviews from his boss, and moved to Bourbonnais to work at a multiplex owned by CRASS Chief Financial Officer Konrad Teirant.

Face to Face With JoAnn Kibble

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Kankakee bill collector and dog-food enthusiast Sybil Kibble helped her ma JoAnn create a Fakebook account. Next, she is going to help her make one of them FaceCalls so she can bug people about her school-bus parts collection and her squirrel-watching adventures.

Poopcorn

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In walks Bern Cacca holding hands with her new lover, JB The Turd Burglar. Since her hubby Peppi is living in a half-way house, Bern thinks it is okay to date other men, including fellow communal narcadoodle Damien Hurlbutt. After all, what Peppi does not know won’t hurt him, thinks the self-proclaimed community pillar of excellence and Queen of the Porcelain Throne.

The Manteno moron spies her next-door-neighbor, Gothic Diana Ross, minding her own business drinking a caramel latte. Of course, Bern thinks it is cute to flex, as if Diana cares. “JB whispered in my ear some awesome news!” Diana rolls her eyes and looks away, keeping her mild amusement hidden beneath her stoic visage.

“Someone re-made the show ‘The Wonderful World of Dung’ and we are gonna watch it tonight!”

Diana changes her mind about eating the delicious Buckstars popcorn she had just bought.

CorvidCon – Coming Soon to a Backyard Near You!

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Raven reviews about the bird convention to end all bird conventions: CorvidCon! All corvids invited, all ages, all species. Coming soon to a yard near you! Please bring a friend.

Bern Cacca Is The Masked Singer

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“Hey there my ultra-cool and spooky neighbor! You have a beautiful voice! I am making masks out of old bed sheets and passing them out. Deeanna, would you like one?” communal narcissist Bern Cacca annoys her neighbour Gothic Diana Ross as she minds her own business doing work outside her Manteno home.

“Get lost.”

“These masks are better than other ones because they’ve been quality tested by me, and washed with Lysol.”

“Yeah…no.”

“Then can you please give me a donation to support my mask project? I wash all the money.”

“Ya know that expression, put your money where your mouth is?”

“I know it very well. I am a pillar of excellence, playing accordion covers of pop tunes to raise money–”

“If ya don’t go now, I will put your mouth straight to my fist.”

“Oh I gotta go baaaad. Time to light more farts to burn portapoopies! Maybe some of my own too…” Bern rambles on as The Boss Gothic Diana Ross is long out of earshot, resting quietly inside her slate Victorian mansion.

Wally Green’s New Self-Checkout

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To save money on staffing, Kankakee drugstore owner, wacky inventor and barfly Wally Green installed the new HAL 9000 Grocery Scanners in his corner stores, designed by engineering students from the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana.

“Quantity needed…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”

“Don’t forget to take your items…Dave.”

Hobbies Are Important

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“Excuse me Miss. I have something important to tell you.”

The 4’6″ Kankakee pyramid-schemer Doris Krabalsky stares down 5’11”, athletic Gothic Diana Ross who is minding her own business, drinking iced coffee at a table across the café.

“Yeah…no”

“There’s a cure for that,” Doris verbally spams Diana as she rubs her arms to suggest something was “wrong” with the medium-skinned singer’s limbs.

“These are tattoos, you idiot.”

The angered leader of the Midnight Supremes pauses and then delivers some important information to Doris.

“There is a cure for nosiness. It is called getting a hobby.”

The scared fool Doris leaves the café in silence, just in time to avoid getting a knuckle-sandwich delivered straight to her pie-hole, courtesy of Diana.

Sybil Kibble’s favorite TV commercial

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Kankakee debt collector Sybil Kibble sure misses the taste of her favorite meal. She thought of buying an empty can off cBay just so she could have a whiff.

404: Dog Food Not Found

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Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble loves the taste of dog food so much, she eats it on her breaks and for supper.

Because of the shipping delays, Sybil cannot find her beloved Alpo online to buy.

Frustrated with repeated bouts with the Spinning Cheerio of Death, she opts for Brand X instead.