Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt — who believes he is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley — is number one in his own bathroom. Don’t lock him in.
Hunka Cheese
Tag: one minute read
Sybil and JoAnn Kibble Walked into a Craft Store
Kankakee bill collector and dog-food connoisseur Sybil Kibble and her mother JoAnn Kibble walked into a craft store looking for “Live, Laugh, Love” decor and fake plastic squirrels. Before they made their way through the check-out labyrinth, they had some fun in the alphabet section.
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School Bus Party
“School bus parts! Sybil, let’s pull over and get some of those!” JoAnn Kibble exclaims to her daughter Sybil as she drives past a school.
“It says School Bus Parking, silly” Sybil corrects tells her ma.
“School bus party?
“Parking!” Sybil screams.
“Oh darn.”
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Bern in Hell
A few years from now, Communal narcissist and poopyburner Bern Cacca, who wanted to be everybody’s friend, but only to use them finds herself forced out of Manteno and into the pits of Hell.
“Satan, why am I here?”
“But I did all those favors! I played accordion for the Optimal Club! I gave people rides! I–“
“Did you do those things to help, or to make yourself look good?”
“Uhhh…”
“And how many times did you admit you did something wrong. Count them. I will wait. So will my visiting intern Gothic Diana Ross. She will take you to your cell. Do you prefer jagged rocks or bubbling excrement?”
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Dale Davis Dreams of a Life With Sybil Kibble
Kankakee bill collector Dale Davis wants to make dollars and cents with his boss, dog-food diner Sybil Kibble.
“I’m worth your time.”
— Dale Francis Davis.
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Mmmm…Spam.
Kankakee County art student, petty criminal and junk emailer Pat Oswald Splatt drools over the new version of the SpamPerfect data harvester. Yum.
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Wally Green’s New Vampyre Department
Drugstore-chain owner, wannabe ladies’ man, and wacky inventor Wally Green introduces a new service. Only available at night, he feels his customers will eternally benefit.
Now, at a Wally Green’s on a corner near you, get your blood taken by their new Vampyre Department! As an added bonus, Wally Green’s Vampyres will make sure to screw up your bill.
Wally Green’s regrets to inform our customers we temporarily suspended sales of garlic in our grocery department.
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Doris Is Ancient and She Drives An Ice Cream Van
Kankakee pyramid schemer Doris Krabalsky parks her van at a Wally World hoping to trick hungry kids and their parents into buying ice cream from her MLMmobile. Parents get mad because their kids were screaming for ice cream, not leggings. Doris fails to earn a single penny, so she broadcasts her ads on shortwave radio instead.
Needless to say, The Lincolnshire Poacher only brought Doris more trouble.
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How Bern Cacca Takes Her Coffee
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