Tag: poop burning duty

Bernadette Cacca is Going on a MoronQuest!

~ Jen ~ 3 Comments

Bernadette “Bern” Cacca has driven to Okanagan, British Columbia, Canada to seek out the last known copy of “The Wonderful World of Dung.” 

Sidetracked, Bernadette goes on a Monster Quest: to find Ogopogo. Bern is hoping to mine some Craptocoin from its poop to make a special variety of Cryptidcoin called CraptoCryptidCoin. 

“I totally have to get a selfie with this monster.”

Hours pass, no sign of the legendary sea monster Ogopogo. 

“Hey, anybody got some Ogopogo poop? I want to make a sculpture outta it. I’m a famous content creator and influencer from Illinois!”

“Who?”

“Don’t you know who I am?”

The locals visiting the lake roll their eyes from one side to another, slowly.

A group of offended Canadians hoist the relentless Bernadette into a cannon and very politely yeet her from the premises. Bernadette is good at getting yeeted.

“Sorry,” the crowd chants as Bernadette flies far far away, and then they slow-clap for her performance.

“What was that thing?”

“Swamp witch?” The man scratches his head and the crowd disperses.

Bernadette calls the bootleg tape seller, Gary, on her smell-phone and meets up with him at a local poutine shop. 

“How much do you want for the tape?”

 “Three fiddy.” 

“Do you accept Craptocoin?”

“No, sorry, only cash. That’s how you pay for stuff, eh?”

Bernadette checks her pockets which come up empty.

Penniless and disappointed, the entramanure drives back home to Manteno, Illinois in the U S of A. She and her husband Peppi burn some poopies from the portapotties which Peppi had brought home from a job and emptied into a bonfire out back.

While watching the poopies gleam, Bernadette looks over at her stoner husband Peppi laughing his bum off at a video he is watching online using his phone.

“Git!”

“Oh honey, not now. Maybe later on.” Bern declines Peppi’s mating call.

“What are you watching?”

Bernadette looks over Peppi’s shoulder to read his PooTube screen: “The Wonderful World of Dung.” It had been posted a year ago.

The Backside of Bern Cacca

~ Jen ~ 7 Comments

Manteno’s very own communal narcissist Bernadette “Bern” Cacca learned how to impress people in high school by giving classmates rides, starring in plays for charity and volunteering for charity. Did Bernadette care about those people and causes? OF COURSE NOT. She did it all for attention and to clean up her crappy reputation.

Bern’s grades were decent in school, despite her having turned a teacher against an autistic student.

She loved going to award ceremonies, collecting all the “merit” awards while most of the student body wanted to go to sleep.

The self-proclaimed Manteno Wonder, Bernadette tried to use her combat acting skills as a wrestler for a few years upon graduating from high school.

One day, after her career as a wrestler did not work out, Bern had an epiphany. Wanting to impress the entire world — which Bern considered her destiny — she decided to enlist in the United States Army.

Bernadette had high hopes for excelling, becoming an officer and meeting George W. Bush. However, her peers did not like her antics.

During her tour of Iraq, Bernadette got punished for demanding better tasting rations, taking more than three minutes in the shower, and refusing to do physical training because she thought she was too good for it.

Bern was placed on poop-burning dooty, kinda like these guys in Afghanistan:

Bernadette loved burning poopies out in the desert so much, she continued to SNAFU everything she touched, so she could get back on the poopy-burner squad.

Bern went AWOL and was eventually discovered swimming in a bog, luring in unsuspecting people to devour, and got dishonorably discharged.