“This song needs more farty sounds.”
“Isn’t it groovy?” Kankakee Elvis impersonator and wannabe ladies’ man Robbie asks his neckbeard brother Damien.
“I only like the fart parts.”
Tag: short story
Sybil’s Dog Food Dilemma
“Oh snap, that’s the last bite!” Kankakee debt collector Sybil Kibble exclaims as she shakes the now-empty bag of dog food, and turns it upside down. “I am really hungry too.”
Sybil hops in her white Chrysler LeBaron and drives down to Wally Green’s drugstore. As soon as she steps through the door, demoted pharmacy clerk who thinks he is Elvis, Robbie Hurlbutt greets her.
“What can I help you find today?”
“Do you have any Dog Chow?”
“We are fresh out.”
Sybil exits, walks by Robbie’s purple clown car with a giggle and gets behind the wheel of her LeBaron.
Sybil parks in the “Expectant Mothers Only” space at Schmucks grocery store and walks in. “Who is going to know I am in menopause anyway?” Sybil says to herself as she walks through the automatic door.
After a thorough combing of the pet food aisle, Sybil comes up empty. She hopes the third time is a charm, and drives over to Bucketheads hardware store.
After walking past the 11% off everything sign, Sybil hopes to save big money on dog food, which she usually scores toward the back of the store. However she strikes out yet again.
Sybil gets on her smart phone after exiting the store and calls Wally Green’s 1-800 customer service number. After spend 45 minutes in the on-hold abyss, the call disconnects. She tries two more time and her call gets disconnected immediately.
Sybil walks back into Wally Green’s to try and figure out what is going on. She asks to speak to the Manager on Duty. “I am sorry you are having trouble reaching our customer care line. Our representatives are trained to keep hanging up on all callers until the queue is gone.”
Angered, Sybil Kibble needs to do something to relax. She picks up a newspaper and reads the headline: “Nationwide Dog Food Shortage.” Sybil slams down the paper and storms out, heading to the local bar. “I need a drink,” Sybil mumbles to herself.
Sybil sits down at the bar. Before the bartender can even wait on her, barfly and notorious ladies’ man Wally Green emerges.
“Hey babe!”
“Oh hi Wally.”
“Can I buy you a drink, hon?”
Sybil accepts because she is cheap.
Wally begins to bore Sybil with his tall tales about his family almost having inherited most of Manhattan Island.
Sybil interrupts Wally’s rambling:
“Hey, why are your stores out of dog food anyway? I am so hungry.”
“Oh yeah, I have a secret stash at my house. Wanna go back to my place?”
Sybil looks Wally in the eye sporting a devilish grin.
The pair arrive at Wally’s McMansion. Wally offers wine, she declines.
Wally starts to bore Sybil about his road trip to Florida as he really likes the heat.
Sybil interrupts and asks about dinner.
Wally offers to cook her a romantic meal. Sybil agrees with excitement.
“It will be a surprise. I know you will love it!”
Visions of dog bones dance in Sybil’s head. Wally emerges from the kitchen with a plate full of Gefilte fish, and Sybil almost pukes.
“You’re not impressed?” Wally asks.
“Umm, no I eat dog food.”
“You’re a bill collector. Makes sense. If you stop calling my store, I will give you some cans of Alpo.”
“That’s my favorite kind!” Sybil exclaims. “But I won’t take you off my list. You owe us too much money.”
“Then will you kiss me?”
Sybil gags and dashes out Wally’s McMansion, back to her own, where she settles for cat food instead.
Happy Birthday Damien – August 10th
Happy Birthday Damien Hurlbutt! We hope you made it out that dumpster okay!
Sybil Snacks
Kankakee debt collector and dog food enthusiast Sybil Kibble hopes to find a bone with her name on it.
New CRASS Computers are a real ENIGMA
Sybil Kibble unveils the new “Enigma” computers for her debt collection team. “How do you get on the Internet?” asks a quizzical Dale Davis. “Just type “INTERNET” and then “RUN.” “How do you load the Collect-o-matic 2000?” a wary Judy Avelli asks. “Just hook the machine up to a parakeet cage and type away.”
Behind the Moroniverse – Character Theme Songs
Not only am I a writer and cartoonist, I am also a musician. When I write about these silly characters, I listen to a certain playlist dedicated to just them.
Each character has a theme song. Not only does it remind me of said character, it gives the reader insight behind the character’s personality, behavior, and interests. Please stay tuned as this list will grow over time.
Sybil Kibble
Robbie Hurlbutt
Damien Hurlbutt
Wally Green
Konrad Teirant
Pat Splatt
You want to pay waaaaat?
Kankakee bill collector and dog food enthusiast Sybil Kibble wants to double down on debt but her debtor isn’t buying it.
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Damien Dumped
Damien harasses his ex wife Lori on the 10 year anniversary of his lame showoff proposal to her, even though she is long gone, having left him because of his love fraud and narcissistic abuse. He downvotes all her Utube videos even though she blocked him all social media, as a glitch still allows blocked users to downvote. Damien clearly needs a hobby.
Detroit’s Rachel Shelley gets into a huge fight with her lover and fellow narcissistic sociopath Damien Hurlbutt. She is tired of hearing him complain about his ex-wife.
Rachel chucks a bunch of Damien’s hoard into the dumpster while he is out at work.
She leaves him for her side piece, Kankakee heroin addict and loser Leon Peeonne. She has had enough.
Damien downvotes Rachel’s and Leon’s videos on Utube while he is sitting behind the counter at work, thinking nobody is looking. In walks his supervisor, Konrad Teirant, theater owner, who suspends Damien for a week.
Damien comes home in the middle of the night after working the late night shift at the theater to discover all the things he loved more than Rachel, Star Wars toys, Muppet coloring books, $35 ornaments, $75 toys, $600 figures — gone. He jiggles every single door repeatedly to check for home invaders, nothing. He calls out for Rachel. No reply. Damien walks past the remaining boxes in his neckbeard nest, mostly empty — save for a few towels, ratty graphic tees and unused pots and pans — and discovers that Rachel has left with all her belongings. Then it hits him.
Damien heads out to the dumpster outside his apartment and dives in, digging for his lost treasures. He throws a few boxes overboard. Damien continues to dig. Meanwhile a sound is heard in the background:
“Beep…beep…beep…beep…”
Dumpster Dive Damien
Shady Bourbonnais neckbeard and narcissistic sociopath Damien Hurlbutt went dumpster diving the morning after he and his part time lover from Detroit, Rachel Shelley, got into a bitter fight and she threw some of his hoarded items into the dumpster. As Damien dug for the treasures he loved more than his woman, little did he notice the danger lurking behind him.
On the Corner of Wally and Green Streets
Owned by Kankakee barfly and inventor of useless crap Mr. Walter Augustine Green, these stores are best known for the overstaffing of their sales floors and the understaffing of their pharmacies. Find Wally’s wacky wares in a store near you!
