Narc-a-doodle doo!

Perhaps the perfect gag gift for the narc in your life?

Scumlord Sonya Moran Learns the Rules of Acquisition.

After the recovering from the HUD investigation, malignant narc-a-doodle and attention-seeking fool Sonya starts to poop out a bunch more fake lease violations accusing her Manteno, Illinois residents of launching stinkoff from cat pee fair across their buildings and using their floors as washrooms, but this time typing them on a manual typewriter to hopefully evade more trouble from the feds. Sonya leaves her briefly office to whizz, comes back to see this helpful instruction notice taped to her door. 

Sonya crumples it up, checks her non-existent security cameras to find out who did it. Ooops. Sonya accidentally forgot to renew her security contract because she did not want to get caught on tape harassing her residents.

Furious, Sonya storms out her door to look for the person, only to see dozens of these same flyers wallpapered across the hall, and outside:

As the frenzied fool and Ferengi fan makes her way to her manager suite, she jumps up in panic to see that a dog had peed ALL OVER her fake violation notices after scattering them on the floor in front of her office (and probably digging his feet in them afterward to show off his hard work).

“Good boy!” she hears off in the distance, a voice too faint to recognise.

“Oh my stars! That dog highlighted every single one of my rule of living violation notices! What am I gonna do now? Those precious papers, my babies…”

Sonya breaks down, gets down on her knees and cries about the dog’s desecration of her factitious fault files.

Wanting a break from work and her usual carrion lunchmeat, the shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture takes flight to find the biggest fast food joint she can find.

She lands at a McDonald’s which is so large it takes up an entire Chicago block. Sonya shape-shifts into her humanoid form after having been previously yeeted from a Midwest business which does not allow animals.

Sonya chows down on her greasy burgers and fries, washes them down with a large pop. Wanting a stiff drink and a place to nest for the night, Sonya walks across the street:

“Hotel Ferengi and Bar, sounds like my kinda place!”

Sonya enters the bar and orders a Long Island Iced Tea.

“Sorry, all we got is root beer. I can get you a great deal on a hotel room!”

“Sign me up!”

Sonya scans the QR code and downloads a booking CrapApp. She books the fanciest room in the entire joint and heads to the counter to check in. She hands the clerk her ID, gives him the reservation number and a pint of blood.

“All set, all we need is 50 slips of Latinum.”

“I just pre-paid!”

“50 slips of Latinum, ma’am.”

“I don’t have it.”

“It’s our policy. We need to charge you or you won’t be able to stay here.”

“Who can I talk to about getting it waived?”

“I am the only manager here.”

Calling her bluff, Sonya asks who is above her to hopefully resolve this confusion.

“I have my manager on the phone.”

“Hi Quark. I pre-paid my room.”

“Yes, it’s our policy to charge every guest a 50 Latinum deposit fee.”

“I don’t have it. How do I pay if if I don’t have it?”

“It’s our policy. Pay it now or leave.”

“Do you accept Craptocoin?”

“Don’t accept her reservation,” Quark tells his employee.

Sonya flies out the door and across Chicago to find another hotel. 

Sonya walks into the Acne Hotel, upon suggestion of one of the other Poopy Groupies she called on her Smell Phone.

“Hi, I’d like to make a reservation for a one bedroom”

“Great. It’s $99.95 a night.”

“Awesome, here’s my card.”

The clerk swipes Mrs. Moran’s card and prints out her reservation. Sonya thinks about all the tenants she can’t wait to swindle again.

“Great. Before we give you the keys we just need 100 slips of Latinum.”

Sonya pauses and stares.

“Can’t you just accept a couple of candy bars or something?”

Bernadette Cacca Hires Mentors Cover Band to Promote Her New CrapApp.

As part of her campaign to promote regularity, Manteno’s very own communal narc-a-doodle, former wrestler and port-a-potty proprietor Bernadette Cacca tries to persuade people to invest in Craptocoin, mined the old fashioned way from NFTs (Newly Formed Turds).

To promote her new app, Craptocoin Registry And Preserved Poop Exchange Resource (CRAPPER), she hires the cover band Manteno Mentors, known to their fans as the MaMentors to perform tunes like this NSFW gem:

Pat Splatt plays guitar, JB The Turd Burglar plays bass, D-Fail of The Chickenheads growls the vocals, and her husband Peppi Cacca is too stoned off skunk-weed to play drums so he smokes his double-fisted doobies to double as fog.

Unfartunately for Bernadette, her CrapApp fails to launch. The MaMentors ditch the bog witch after one gig because she had paid them all in Craptocoin.

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Satan Unveils His New Welcome Sign.

As Hell’s Chief Operating Officer Satan unveils his newly procured “Welcome to Hell” sign — shown off by visiting intern Gothic Diana Ross — in-processing clerk for the newly damned Lucy Furr looks at her boss with visible dismay.

“Isn’t our new sign just peachy?” Satan asks Lucy as Diana continues to model by it, nearly getting hit a baker’s dozen times by the devil’s not-so-careful use of the pulley system.

“Couldn’t our money be better spent on improving working conditions? Hiring more people? Fixing the toilets?” asks the bully known for her tormenting of an autistic 20-something on their college trip to Italy.

“You have your own heated place for the rest of your life. Try being more thankful for the things you have,” Satan passive-aggressively demands of his clerk while sporting a devilish grin.

Meanwhile, communal narcadoodle Bernadette Cacca is still waiting to poop. All the other washrooms in Hell are closed for maintenance.

Thanos Forgot His Gauntlet At Home.

Poor Thanos. He forgot his gauntlet at home again. “I swear I grabbed it before I left home. I bet it is still there lounging on the desk…right where it was last time.”

“There’s Doctor Strange! How will I defend myself? What will I do without my precious Infinity Stones? I am powerless without my gauntlet!”

“I’ll just give ’em the ol’ stinkeye. That oughta do it.”

On the Corner of Wally and Green Streets

Owned by Kankakee barfly and inventor of useless crap Mr. Walter Augustine Green, these Illinois stores are best known for the overstaffing of their sales floors and the understaffing of their pharmacies. Find Wally’s wacky wares in a store near you!

MoronicArts Pranks an Ungrateful Scam Caller

“Kevin” made Sybil Kibble an offer she could certainly refuse, so why won’t he accept her coupons as payment? All he had to do was give me his address.

Darn it, I Just Washed My Hair!

Image: black-and-white cartoon of a woman screaming as birds fly over her head.
“I just showered!” Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble screams as the birds fly over her head.

A New Life Awaits You…In Manteno

A new life awaits you in the Off-World Colony. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure! Sign up now at Nexus Employment Solutions — right in Manteno, Illinois!

Thanos Pees All Over The Toilet Seat

Thanos had to take a huge whizz at the café, peeing all over the seat and bathroom floor. Since Thanos thinks he is boss, he left without wiping or washing his hands, leaving the mess for someone else to clean. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up. If you dribble when you piddle. Up and down or in the middle If you sprinkle when you tinkle, wipe it up.