Owned by Kankakee barfly and inventor of useless crap Mr. Walter Augustine Green, these Illinois stores are best known for the overstaffing of their sales floors and the understaffing of their pharmacies. Find Wally’s wacky wares in a store near you!
Two-timing Rachel Shelley came over from Detroit to meet her OKStupid lover, Damien Hurlbutt, only to cheat on him with Kankakee heroin addict and useless hoser Leon Peeonne.
Cinema clerk, neckbeard, and communal narcissist Damien continues to leave “M’lady” messages from his flip phone. He thinks he is going to win because he is such a “tenderheart” and “an old soul.”
Gothic Diana Ross, leader of the Manteno-based cover group The Midnight Supremes, is getting tired of her next-door neighbor Bernadette Cacca peeling out of her driveway, blasting her accordion, and stinking up the air by burning poopies. Diana wants to have a word with Bernadette, who is polishing her wall-mounted Turd Machine, and walks over after she finishes making her poo-shooter shine.
“You have a very punchable face.” Gothic Diana Ross tells Bernadette.
“I have a beautiful face? Aww, thanks. I get that a lot.”
“A punchable face you dipstick. Come here, I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich.”
“Thanks! I love to eat!” a wide-eyed Bernadette exclaims with glee, mouth hanging open until she gets punched by Miss Ross.
“All that birdie-birdie-birdie, chirp chirp cheer those cardinals sing in their mating calls, it is so repetitive,” drugstore clerk, vulnerable narcissist and Elvis impersonator Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt complains in his mother’s Kankakee backyard.
“Umm, Robbie, I feel pretty confident Red is not looking to mate with you,” Sybil Kibble explains to the son of her neighbor and best friend PJ Hurlbutt with a smile as she plays the Angry Birds game on her phone.
Kankakee mother, squirrel-chaser and school-bus-parts-enthusiast JoAnn Kibble found this stunner of a vehicle at a Manteno dealer, a real steal with only 64K miles! All of Kankakee County will surely hear her coming down the road, and up it, too! Hurry up JoAnn, before Bern Cacca buys it for the farty-horns!
Poor Dale. They closed the men’s washrooms at Cinema-13 in Bourbonnais, and he has to go realllly badly after drinking all that overpriced pop. After 20 minutes waiting outside the only family stall, he begins to grumble: “What did they do, fall in?”
Tiny twin sister act The Favorites continue talking amongst themselves, flushing repeatedly to make it sound like they need to use the facilities for something other than wasting the time of the pained folks waiting outside in line, Dale’s pants dropping from his legs wiggling. Those little turds.
Bourbonnais neckbeard and communal narcadoodle Damien Hurlbutt sent out rambling smear letters after he went off the deep end, years ago when his former wife Lori left him to escape his psychological abuse.
Hell’s in-processing clerk Lucy Furr, notorious for bullying an autistic girl on the class trip to Italy, rips a fart while waiting for the newly damned to arrive.
Sociopath, slumlord and dumpster-clown Madeline Topolla-Teirant wants to change the name of her business Kankakee’s Low-Budget Apartments to hopefully clean up her image and create the impression that she puts people first (even though she clearly does not). Tenants are leaving her sick building in droves and she is losing those almighty Benjamins.
She asks her son Bratley to draw this new logo so she can get out of paying a graphic designer to do it, because she thinks that proposal is bananas.
Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) Chief of Information Technology, Fernando T. Perez, wants drive to the office here in Kankakee and show off his new vanity plate. Sadly, he shows up late to his job managing the Enigma Machines attached to birdcages. Find out why in this video:
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