Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narc-a-doodle Damien Hurlbutt does the fart dance when he goes to rip one. The only thing he loves more than his hoard is the smell of his own gas blasts.
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble got excited to see these dog bowls full of food samples. She loves to eat dog chow on her breaks from calling people at home and work to bother them about dubious debt and wanted to take some back to munch and offer to co-workers.
Sadly, Sybil’s heart sunk when she learned they were full of human food instead of doggie food. Oh, darn.
“Man, I am bored.” Smokey says aloud as she smokes in bed. Smokey has been an unhappy lot, unemployed from her CRASS debt collecting job. Smokey hears a loud pound on the door. She has been expecting a package, so she answers.
“Kankakee County Sherriff. Is this Mrs. Ashe?”
“Yes. Who dis?”
“I am here to serve you with this eviction notice. I need you to sign—“
“Eviction? Why am I being evicted?”
“Ma’am, I am only here to provide document service. I need you to direct questions to your landlord. Sign here please.”
“I aint signin’ nuttin’!” Smokey screams.”
“Then I will have to report you to the Kankakee County Judge who may issue a bench warrant for your court appearance. Make it easy, sign that you got the papers and we can avoid all that.”
“Fine.” Smokey grabs the papers and scrawls a barely legible signature.
Smokey and the officer part ways.
Smokey is furious and at the same time feeling terrified she will be forever homeless. She has not been able to find a job because nobody wants to hire her.
Smokey calls her landlord and they do not answer. Smokey opens up the packet left for her:
“Your building is being condemned by the Kankakee County Codes Department due to the entire nonsmoking facility having been permanently tainted with cigarette smoke. One resident has been smoking in her unit, despite multiple warnings and it has made several residents severely ill. Please contact Kankakee County Department of Social Services if you need assistance with housing placement.”
“So now I am homeless, just because they decided to close the entire building? Why they do that to me? Them fools, kicking me out. Now I am going to be homeless. They have no sympathy for me at all,” Smokey says to herself.
Smokey puts out her butt and drives down to Wally Mart. It is July 4th and it is one of the few stores open on Independence Day.
“Ma’am, smoking is not allowed in the store.” Smokey gives the clerk a dirty look and walks out, leaving her cart full of merchandise behind for someone else to deal with.
Smokey spies a small structure off in the distance.
“What is this? Smoke Shack? I need to check this out.” Smokey says to herself.
Smokey heads to the white tent, decked out in signs marked “TNT”, “M80s” and “Roman Candles”.
Moments later, all of Kankakee lights up up in colors of red, white and blue. The glow can be seen for miles, making children and kids of heart grin from ear to ear, from the loud pops and sizzles.
Happy 4th of July, everyone!
But who will clean up the chunks?
A Kankakee bill-collector who eats dog bones on her breaks, Sybil Kibble wants to meet some attractive men after work, so she decides to join the local gym.
Sybil sees a sign for a free, week-long membership for new members and immediately sashays in to sign up.
After giving away her address, mobile number, credit card number, work history, email address, and blood type, Sybil is ready to go work out.
After attending a mandatory lifting instruction class, a separate machine-cleaning class, as well as rules and regulations class, Sybil heads out to the gym floor to get moving.
Sybil lifts as few arm weights, stretches her body and takes a break. She immediately eyes a tall, built gentleman across from her, with towel to his forehead, and a grimace on his face. He resembles Thanos, minus the body armor and the funky chin.
“Hey there! I’m Sybil. I just joined. Could I towel you off?” Sybil asks him.
The man looks over to Sybil and looks away.
“I like dog food. I got the hookup should you every want some.” Sybil says.
The man’s eyes immediately dart over to Sybil.
“You got to be kidding,” the guy says.
“For real? You into it too?” Sybil asks excitedly, as she rubs her hands together. “I got the hookup.”
“Let’s blow this joint and get outta here” the man says, as he throws down his towel. The both pack up their gym bags and head out together without even bothering to shower.
Sybil gets into the guy’s imbecile machine, an overly lifted white truck, covered in vulgar decals and fitted with extra-large wheels. As the pair drives by a local bar, where a band is playing, the guy blasts his obnoxious metal music extra loudly to drown out the band so people cannot hear them. Sybil is impressed.
The two pull into the driveway at Sybil’s McMansion. They walk in.
“So I hear you like dog food?” the guy asks.
“Yeah, I have Doggonit Dog Chow, I have several bags. I also have lots of treats. It’s all I eat!” Sybil exclaims.
A immediate look of despair comes over the guy as he puts his hand over his face. “You don’t have any H?”
“What’s that?” asks Sybil.
“Nothing at all?” the guy asks.
“I have plenty of dog kibble, treats, all the good stuff.”
“ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!” the man screams as he stomps out the door, rushes into his imbecile machine and peels out of Sybil’s driveway never to be seen.
“What the heck happened?” Sybil says to herself as she wonders how she is going to get her car back from the gym.
Kankakee pharmacy clerk, vulnerable narcissist and Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt, his equally narcissistic brother Damien and con-job roommate Andy Skandees join together for one rotten number. Robbie’s Youtube clones could not make it. Don’t close the washroom door.
Linda walked into a Kankakee bar to get a drink, not knowing all the single men would take notice. Who will she choose?
Pharmacy clerk, vulnerable narcissist and Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt?
Cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narc-a-doodle Damien Hurlbutt?
Wacky inventor, drugstore owner and sadist Wally Green?
CRASS Bill collector, and desperate hillbilly Dale Davis?
So many bottom-feeders, so little time.
“Dating is like shooting a bunch of arrows and missing the target every time.”
– Linda Stay
Kankakee drugstore clerk, Elvis impersonator and vulnerable narcadoodle Robbie Hurlbutt is feeling down because he cannot seem to get a date. Do you think he will ever figure out why?
Isn’t he a keeper? He thinks so.
Join Kankakee’s newest Vaudeville act, MHA – Moronic Half Assets, across the USA! Kankakee theatre owner and comedian Konrad Teirant joins his dumpster-clown wife, Madeline, in Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt’s clownmobile as they tour the country! See them before they leave their stop in Utica, New York!
MHA’s 2024 tour dates:
Champaign, IL: February 30
Kankakee, IL: February 31
Gary, IN: April 31
Toledo, OH: June 31
Utica, NY: September 31
Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Ulysses Hurlbutt really wants to reconnect with a m’lady he saw in a Kroger grocery store. Do you think she will respond? He fudged his age a bit, typical con job. Maybe she will come into Teirant-13 Cinemas so he can catch a whiff. Maybe.
Source:
This Twittiot slid into Sybil’s inbox. Think of all the money she could have made should the spammer continued wasting her time!
MoronicArts 
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