Alone at the bar after a hard day thinking up useless inventions, Kankakee drugstore owner and tall-tale-teller Wally Green slowly sips his beer hoping a pretty lady would walk in wearing a big smile. Think again, Wally.
You’re In My Seat
Category: Humor
Wally Cooks Up Wacky Inventions
Winner of the prestigious FT Power award and proud member of the Bunghole Business Bureau, Illinois drugstore founder Wally Green loves attending award assemblies!
Look what Wally invented now:
CrapStraps
These bag straps are specially designed longer than they need to be, so they get caught on everything! Why get regular straps when you can get CrapStraps! Coming soon: StrangleTangles!
SpyTV
Are you stuck on the couch, watching the idiot box? Do you talk to your TV? Get the television that talks back! SpyTV randomly listens to your speech, so it can interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, just to sell you crap you mentioned! Upgrade and get our deluxe model that spies on your thoughts!
Magic Closing Doors
Do you hate it when a door stays open? Do you like getting your leg severed? Try our magic closing doors for your car. Old or new, we have a Magic Closing Door just for you!
Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you, home of the 50% off (but never free) sale! We just graded our parking lots to make it easier for our carts to hit your vehicle!
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Madeline Thinks She Is Really IT.
Manager of Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments, Vaudeville clown and sociopath Madeline Topolla-Teirant sat down to study for her clown-school SATs at the Bourbonnais Buckstars after screaming demands at the friendly cafe staff, hoping to score herself a free drink. Madeline, known as “Madwoman” to her peers and tenants, thinks she can get her way by barking at people and calling them names like a schoolyard bully.
“I need you to leave and never come back” part-time barista Fernando T. Perez asserted. Of course, Madwoman threw a Karen fit, calling it “illegal” to throw her out, hurling racial slurs and colorful language. That’s IT!” Fernando called police and pointed at Madwoman.
Needless to say, the mad clown was hurled out, and banned for life.
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Up On The Roof
Sybil Kibble joined her ma JoAnn Kibble on the roof of their Kankakee McMansion, to squirrel-watch. Doesn’t this sound like fun?
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Happy Mother’s Day from Sybil Kibble!
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble bought her Ma JoAnn Kibble some new bus parts for her collection.
There is more to the story…
https://ko-fi.com/i/IF1F04KHK1
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Sybil Kibble & Her Dating Misadventures.
Looking for a dog-food date, Sybil Kibble places a want-ad. Look at all those hot contenders!
Aren’t they dreamy? Ahhh…
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A Song After Bernadette and Damien’s Own Fart
Kankakee communal narcissists Bern Cacca and Damien Hurlbutt met one night dancing to this farty tune playing at a local grocery store. Damien did the scoot-and-poot and Bern lit a match.
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Moronic Martial Arts
Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.
Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.
Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.
Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.
[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]
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If social media platforms had dating profiles…
Youtube
Location: San Bruno, California
Politically I am:
The copyright police. Wooo-wooo, don’t go to jail now!
About me:
Due process, what’s that?
I am good at:
Kissing up to the MPAA and RIAA, altering statistics for the heck of it
I am known for:
Knocking down content based off accusations alone; installing annoying commercials with cranked up sound effects and bad, bouncy, boingity music before as many videos as possible. I am not attractive among most of my peers, nor most people on the planet.
Location: San Francisco, California
About me:
Tweet tweet!
I am good at:
Saying things very quickly. See, that was fast!
I am known for:
The 45th President of the USA and his tiny hands. He is my best customer!
Location: Menlo Park, California
Politically I am:
Extremely conservative
About me:
I will tell you only what I want you to know. Shrouded in mystery, I have no support system and I am not good at answering messages.
I am good at:
Giving you updates on stuff you don’t want and not giving you the updates you want.
I am known for:
Useless changes and telling you the same story over and over again. I do not like nudity. Violence is okay.
MoronicArts 
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