Moron of the Week 18 Apr 21 – 24 Apr 20

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Who likes being sent into the on-hold abyss? Anyone? I will wait.

This week, we salute a very special moron. You might have encountered him as he emerged from the bowels of the interwebs and crawled onto your screen.

This week’s dorkmeister is the Spinning Cheerio of Death. Sometimes he takes the form of a Wonka Wheel.

Other times he transfigures into a watch.

In Mario Paint the moron is this paintbrush dancing like a fool.

Heck, I even got one while writing this article. Thanks WordPress!

For wasting an infinite amount of users’ time, I award these spinning pellets of death Moron of the Week.

How Bern Cacca Takes Her Coffee

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Image: Pawn Stars show still with coffee mug atop store dealer’s neck. Text: Best I can do is make you poop.
Communal narcissist, port-o-dump operations manager, and bumbling idiot who burns her poopies in her Manteno fireplace, Bernadette “Bern” Cacca loves to drink coffee because it makes her go-go-go!

The Kibble Family Portrait – 1970

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Image: a color cartoon of a mother and father, with their 10 year old daughter in the middle, posing for a family portrait.

The 10-year-old Sybil Kibble could not wait to go get her picture taken at the local Robert Mills photo studio. Meanwhile, her parents JoAnn and Eldon Kibble did not feel so sure about the idea.

Have you had a family photo taken? How did it go?

Moronic Sign Needs More Letters

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No, however I always need more fodder for MoronicArts because of lazy spellers like you. Thanks!

CRASS Chief Mack E. Avelli’s Vision

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Dimly-lit cartoon of a dark-haired man in his late 50s, wearing a bathrobe and glasses, waving.

“God is that you, I have some questions,” asks Kankakee debt-collection firm CRASS’ chief, Mack E. Avelli. “I am sorry IF I have ripped people off. I was just trying to help. I come from a broken home, and my heel spurs really have been hurting. I have a stitch in my side…”

“Mack, go back to bed! It’s just your phone!” exclaims his 22-year-old wife Judithann.

Mr. Avelli checks his mobile phone, despite his wife’s plea, putting it on speaker:

“We have pre-approved loans and you still may be eligible. Press one now to get a hassle-free decision…”

You’re In My Seat

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A full-colour cartoon set in a dim bar. A bald, bespectacled heavyset elderly gentleman sits alone at the bar until a very large man walks over toward him.

Alone at the bar after a hard day thinking up useless inventions, Kankakee drugstore owner and tall-tale-teller Wally Green slowly sips his beer hoping a pretty lady would walk in wearing a big smile. Think again, Wally.

Wally Cooks Up Wacky Inventions

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A black-and-white cartoon of an elderly man sitting at a table covered in mechanical parts, test tubes and a drink. Framed pictures can be seen in the background containing text: "Feel The Power Award. FT Power; Bunghole Business; I love Kankakee."


Winner of the prestigious FT Power award and proud member of the Bunghole Business Bureau, Illinois drugstore founder Wally Green loves attending award assemblies!

Look what Wally invented now:


CrapStraps
These bag straps are specially designed longer than they need to be, so they get caught on everything! Why get regular straps when you can get CrapStraps! Coming soon: StrangleTangles!


SpyTV
Are you stuck on the couch, watching the idiot box? Do you talk to your TV? Get the television that talks back! SpyTV randomly listens to your speech, so it can interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, just to sell you crap you mentioned! Upgrade and get our deluxe model that spies on your thoughts!


Magic Closing Doors
Do you hate it when a door stays open? Do you like getting your leg severed? Try our magic closing doors for your car. Old or new, we have a Magic Closing Door just for you!

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you, home of the 50% off (but never free) sale! We just graded our parking lots to make it easier for our carts to hit your vehicle!

Madeline Thinks She Is Really IT.

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Black-and-white cartoon featuring a large, white, female clown at a cafe getting thrown out by a Latinx barista,

Manager of Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments, Vaudeville clown and sociopath Madeline Topolla-Teirant sat down to study for her clown-school SATs at the Bourbonnais Buckstars after screaming demands at the friendly cafe staff, hoping to score herself a free drink. Madeline, known as “Madwoman” to her peers and tenants, thinks she can get her way by barking at people and calling them names like a schoolyard bully.

“I need you to leave and never come back” part-time barista Fernando T. Perez asserted. Of course, Madwoman threw a Karen fit, calling it “illegal” to throw her out, hurling racial slurs and colorful language. That’s IT!” Fernando called police and pointed at Madwoman.

Needless to say, the mad clown was hurled out, and banned for life.

Up On The Roof

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Sybil Kibble joined her ma JoAnn Kibble on the roof of their Kankakee McMansion, to squirrel-watch. Doesn’t this sound like fun?

Happy Mother’s Day from Sybil Kibble!

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A colour drawing of a middle aged, blonde woman wearing glasses next to an elderly lady with short, curly hair. Text: Sut mae ac IL (Translation: how are you, from Illinois)

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble bought her Ma JoAnn Kibble some new bus parts for her collection.

There is more to the story…

https://ko-fi.com/i/IF1F04KHK1