It is game show night at the Autism Center and washed up artist, filmmaker and sociopath Pat Splatt was hoping to pose as an a person on the spectrum so he can bully people there. Little did he know what was in store for him.
Kankakee bill-collector Sybil Kibble loves the taste of dog food so much, she eats it on her breaks and for supper.
Because of the shipping delays, Sybil cannot find her beloved Alpo online to buy.
Frustrated with repeated bouts with the Spinning Cheerio of Death, she opts for Brand X instead.
Wow, I appreciate you reading my stories and memes. My suggestions how to retort nosey morons has reached an all time high. No, not 420 (smoke ’em if you got ’em), just a crapton of views. I am happy to see people reading my writing. That makes my heart happy. Have a good holiday week, if you celebrate.
PS: If you feel so inclined, I would love if you followed me on Ko-Fi. It is free to join and comment. Tips always appreciated, never expected.
Manteno’s very own communal narcissist Bernadette “Bern” Cacca learned how to impress people in high school by giving classmates rides, starring in plays for charity and volunteering for charity. Did Bernadette care about those people and causes? OF COURSE NOT. She did it all for attention and to clean up her crappy reputation.
Bern’s grades were decent in school, despite her having turned a teacher against an autistic student.
She loved going to award ceremonies, collecting all the “merit” awards while most of the student body wanted to go to sleep.
The self-proclaimed Manteno Wonder, Bernadette tried to use her combat acting skills as a wrestler for a few years upon graduating from high school.
One day, after her career as a wrestler did not work out, Bern had an epiphany. Wanting to impress the entire world — which Bern considered her destiny — she decided to enlist in the United States Army.
Bernadette had high hopes for excelling, becoming an officer and meeting George W. Bush. However, her peers did not like her antics.
During her tour of Iraq, Bernadette got punished for demanding better tasting rations, taking more than three minutes in the shower, and refusing to do physical training because she thought she was too good for it.
Bern was placed on poop-burning dooty, kinda like these guys in Afghanistan:
Bernadette loved burning poopies out in the desert so much, she continued to SNAFU everything she touched, so she could get back on the poopy-burner squad.
Bern went AWOL and was eventually discovered swimming in a bog, luring in unsuspecting people to devour, and got dishonorably discharged.
Kankakee bill-collector who loves eating dog-food Sybil Katrina Kibble had gone all the way to Chillicothe to buy herself a sit down model lawnmower because the hardware shop was back-ordered. She left her lawn sprinkler running, too lazy to care about water conservation.
She got to the race, mad as heck because it is a push mower race!
Too lazy to drive, Sybil wished to hang glide back to Chillocothe. However, she could not fly because she was too scared. This idea never got off the ground.
Meanwhile, Sybil’s spit machine went awry, flooding her entire lawn and Kitty Bee’s too!
Sybil lost the lawnmower race because whe was too loopy from inhaling helium.
And then she got chased by a swarm of angry bees! Woe is Sybil.
Off to compete in Fire Truck racing with her Ma JoAnn! Ooh, what fun!!! See you later!
Dysfunctional family portrait starring the Hurlbutts: Robbie, PJ and Damien. Merry Christmas from Kankakee County!
Brandon Dixon, wannabe ladies’ man and owner of Brandon’s Imbecile Machines, parks his overly lifted and crudely decorated truck in a grocery store parking lot. Since the truck gives him such an ego-boost, and Brandon plain does whatever the heck he wants, he takes up two spaces.
Brandon continues to swipe right on his phone, hoping to introduce a single lady to his compensationmobile. Meanwhile, he hopes his massive truck attracts some attention from “the females” as Brandon calls them.
The sun goes down, and Brandon is still waiting for his first catch. A stern voice is heard from a person approaching him and his vehicle.
“Let’s go, Brandon!”
“Yeah, let’s go Brandon! Vote red all the way!” Brandon replies.
“No, I mean let’s go. Your truck is taking up two parking spaces and the store is closed. Leave or I will have to write you a ticket,” the lady cop expounds.
Needless to say, no matter how much size matters, Brandon’s huge truck impresses not a single soul.
This weeks Moron of the Week awardee had asked for a refund on ice cream, complaining it had arrived cold. Whatever floats your boat.
Maybe the would-be-customer is one of The Soggies. I had always wondered what they did after they lost the Cap’n Crunch gig.
Did it ever occur to the customer to buy a box of ice cream and melt it themself?
For demanding a ridiculous refund, I award this Karen or Darren Moron of the Week. Maybe they will make an appearance in the new King Kong film, Karen Kong.
Has Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) been interrupting your dinner? Try these lines on the callers (please do not tell Sybil Kibble).
10. Rickroll them over the phone.
9. Tell the caller that they make you feel like dancin’ every time they call, then hang up.
8. Ask the caller if he or she would like to take a survey.
7. When the collector tried to increase your payment amount, tell him or her you will go double or nothing, depending on whether or not you win the lottery jackpot.
6. Tell the collector to “please hold for the next representative.” Bonus points if you hum some on-hold music.
5. Tell them you cannot pay because you just got butt implants and they were really expensive.
4. Ask them if they accept pennies.
3. Reply as if you were reading from a script.
2. Play a commercial for a local car dealer or furniture store over the phone.
1. Tell them you will pay in full, then hang up right before they go to collect your payment information.
“La di da di daaaaa…” Sybil sings poorly as she logs off the autodialer. She has racked up yet another commission and is in a great mood. “Are you going to help out in the Guys N Gals auction, Sybil?” Clio asks as she hands Ms. Kibble a flyer.
“What’s that about, Clio?” Sybil asks.
“Oh, our Glee Committee came up with it to benefit the Kankakee School District Square Dancing Club. We auction off some of our employees to each other. It is for a great cause. Read the flyer.”
“Hot dog! I’ll be there! Sign me up! Can I go first?” Sybil squeaks.
“We will see. It starts today at 3:30. Employees who volunteer get an hour off,” Clio tells Sybil.
Sybil tosses aside the flyer and pours herself a bowl of dog food for lunch.
A little before 3:30 PM, the CRASS conference room begins to fill. CRASS CEO Mack E. Avelli walks over to the podium and adjusts the microphone.
“Today marks the first annual Guys N Gals auction here at CRASS. Each one of you has an 8.5 by 11 inch piece of card stock with a number printed on one side. When our Accounting Manager, Konrad Teirant calls out a bid, you interested bidders hold up your card. Our first person up for bid is the ever enthusiastic Ms. Sybil Kibble!”
Sybil silently hopes to herself that the ever so suave Dorian wins her.
“Who would like to bid first? Can I get $25?”
The ever so slovenly Dale Davis holds up his card.
Sybil dies a bit inside.
“Can we get $50?”
Mikey Philips from Maintenance holds up his card.
Sybil frowns a bit more.
“Good, we have a couple bids. Let’s get a bidding war going. This is for a great cause. Kankakee Schools, guys. Let’s get $100.00.”
Dale holds up his bid card.
“Great. Can we get “$200?”
Mikey holds up his number.
“How about $400?”
Awkward silence passes for a few seconds.
“$400 going once.”
Sybil gets really nervous, thinking she will have to go home with Mikey. Sybil bites her nails.
“$400 going twice.”
Sybil’s anxiety turns to anger. This totally did not turn out the way she expected. Sybil starts visibly shaking.
“Aaaaand—“
Dorian’s card goes up.
“Great! We have $800.00 now.”
Sybil’s heart beats with excitement. Maybe she will get her date with Dorian at last! Now he has to keep the highest bid!
“$800 going once.”
A smirk begins to form across Dorian’s face.
“$800 going twice.”
Dorian’s smirk widens.
“SOLD!”
“One service worker won by Dorian James! Now Sybil, I am certain you will enjoy doing everything Dorian tells you. Have fun!”
“What? SER-vice? I thought this was a date auction!” Sybil screams.
“This is a service auction, and it is for a great cause, run by the Guys N Gals Glee Club. Now you guys go have fun!” Mr. Avelli tells Sybil.
“I need you to clean my monitor, rearrange my filing system and scrub my fish tank. I am going to keep you busy!” Dorian tells a disappointed Sybil as the two work their way out the door.
MoronicArts 
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