Sucks to be Damien

Knock-knock.

Bourbonnais communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt ignores the letter carrier. “Must be my Weekly Weewee Wonders; the mailman can tuck those away in the box,” Damien tells himself, as he trims his glowing orange neckbeard.

Damien dons his newest fedora, carefully selected from his newest box of identical hats ordered from an online retailer.

Damien logs onto M’Ladies by Mail Online one last time to check for replies to his daily messages to Ha, his long lost mail-order bride from Vietnam. He sings the empty-inbox blues.

Damien looks for his flip phone and cannot locate it. “Check your pocket, Farley!” Damien says out loud, Lord only knows why.

“Who the heck is Farley?” his downstairs neighbor asks as Damien locks up, jiggling the doorknob for a full five minutes.

“Nothing!” Damien exclaims to his neighbor, as if she cared.

Damien locates his phone and calls his covert narcissist brother Robbie.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Robbie’s voice is heard.

“Elvis, I mean Robbie has left the building. Leave a message. BOOORT!”

“Heyy, man. This is your brother. I am leaving to go try and patch things up with Grimace, I mean Lori. Wish me luck, okay!” Damien flips his phone closed.

Damien hops onto 57 North to Chicago, where Lori lives. He had gotten her address from an illegal data broker site. He has an idea she will be home tonight, because he has been tracking her plans through a sock puppet account on Fakebook.

Damien parks in a nearby garage and walks up to Lori’s apartment, roses and balloons in hand. He knocks on her door.

Lori answers, as she has been expecting a pizza delivery. It is 5:30 PM.

“I want to start things all over with you from the beginning.” Damien tells a shocked, angry Lori.

“Damien? Get the freak outta here now, or I will call the police!” Lori screams sternly.

“I could doink you every day if you would let me!” Damien says with an evil grin and his usual blank eyes.

“Eeeew, you moron! Get out of here!”

Damien spots his mail-order bride Ha in Lori’s apartment. Ha introduces herself, “Damien is that you?” “Why you love her not me?”

“Come now?” Damien says, startled.

Damien collapses emotionally. He is found out. Damien leaves hoping to dodge the police, failing to accept responsibility since he thinks he can do no wrong..

“I am so glad I showed you his crazy letter,” Lori tells Ha.

“I am so glad we met in that support group online.” Ha confides in Lori.

Screaming is heard eminating from down the street. It cannot be made out. Moments later, sirens begin to wail.

“You dodged a bullet” Ha says.

“We both did.”

“What a moron” they both say, in unison.

“Jinx!”

“Oh he’s jinxed alright!” Lori says and they both giggle as they greet the pizza guy.