Tag: comedy

Moron of the Week 18 Apr 21 – 24 Apr 20

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Who likes being sent into the on-hold abyss? Anyone? I will wait.

This week, we salute a very special moron. You might have encountered him as he emerged from the bowels of the interwebs and crawled onto your screen.

This week’s dorkmeister is the Spinning Cheerio of Death. Sometimes he takes the form of a Wonka Wheel.

Other times he transfigures into a watch.

In Mario Paint the moron is this paintbrush dancing like a fool.

Heck, I even got one while writing this article. Thanks WordPress!

For wasting an infinite amount of users’ time, I award these spinning pellets of death Moron of the Week.

The Kibble Family Portrait – 1970

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Image: a color cartoon of a mother and father, with their 10 year old daughter in the middle, posing for a family portrait.

The 10-year-old Sybil Kibble could not wait to go get her picture taken at the local Robert Mills photo studio. Meanwhile, her parents JoAnn and Eldon Kibble did not feel so sure about the idea.

Have you had a family photo taken? How did it go?

Wally Cooks Up Wacky Inventions

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
A black-and-white cartoon of an elderly man sitting at a table covered in mechanical parts, test tubes and a drink. Framed pictures can be seen in the background containing text: "Feel The Power Award. FT Power; Bunghole Business; I love Kankakee."


Winner of the prestigious FT Power award and proud member of the Bunghole Business Bureau, Illinois drugstore founder Wally Green loves attending award assemblies!

Look what Wally invented now:


CrapStraps
These bag straps are specially designed longer than they need to be, so they get caught on everything! Why get regular straps when you can get CrapStraps! Coming soon: StrangleTangles!


SpyTV
Are you stuck on the couch, watching the idiot box? Do you talk to your TV? Get the television that talks back! SpyTV randomly listens to your speech, so it can interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, just to sell you crap you mentioned! Upgrade and get our deluxe model that spies on your thoughts!


Magic Closing Doors
Do you hate it when a door stays open? Do you like getting your leg severed? Try our magic closing doors for your car. Old or new, we have a Magic Closing Door just for you!

Coming soon to a Wally Green’s near you, home of the 50% off (but never free) sale! We just graded our parking lots to make it easier for our carts to hit your vehicle!

Madeline Thinks She Is Really IT.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
Black-and-white cartoon featuring a large, white, female clown at a cafe getting thrown out by a Latinx barista,

Manager of Kankakee’s Best Low-Budget Apartments, Vaudeville clown and sociopath Madeline Topolla-Teirant sat down to study for her clown-school SATs at the Bourbonnais Buckstars after screaming demands at the friendly cafe staff, hoping to score herself a free drink. Madeline, known as “Madwoman” to her peers and tenants, thinks she can get her way by barking at people and calling them names like a schoolyard bully.

“I need you to leave and never come back” part-time barista Fernando T. Perez asserted. Of course, Madwoman threw a Karen fit, calling it “illegal” to throw her out, hurling racial slurs and colorful language. That’s IT!” Fernando called police and pointed at Madwoman.

Needless to say, the mad clown was hurled out, and banned for life.

Up On The Roof

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Sybil Kibble joined her ma JoAnn Kibble on the roof of their Kankakee McMansion, to squirrel-watch. Doesn’t this sound like fun?

Sybil Kibble & Her Dating Misadventures.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Looking for a dog-food date, Sybil Kibble places a want-ad. Look at all those hot contenders!

Screenshot from a dating app conversation. Text: "Hello, I am incredibly surprised to see your profile Reply: I love surprises, so does Damien from MoronicArts."
What a surprise, Diego — err — Dr. Diego.

A screenshot from a dating chat. Text: I hope you're reading this, it's for you. Reply: are you sure it's for me? I thought you meant to write Gothic Diana Ross."
No way, certainly he meant to email Gothic Diana Ross and the Midnight Supremes.
A dating ad from an 75-year-old-man seeking a woman 20-35. Text: "I'm not much but I'm better than nothing."
Though she may be very fit, Sybil passed on this guy, as he reminded her too much of Manteno sociopath and poop-enthusiast Peppi Cacca.

a screenshot of a facebook instant message from a stranger.
Why use dating apps when these very single men can just slide into her inbox?

A full-colour meme featuring The Texas Seven mugshots. Text: "Don't claim to remember the year 2000 if you don't know who this biy band was."
Sybil took a break from dating apps and listened to her favorite Boy band, The Texas 7.
Aren’t they dreamy? Ahhh…

A Song After Bernadette and Damien’s Own Fart

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment

Kankakee communal narcissists Bern Cacca and Damien Hurlbutt met one night dancing to this farty tune playing at a local grocery store. Damien did the scoot-and-poot and Bern lit a match.

Can I Talk To Sybil? I’m at the Beach.

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
A black-and-white image of two people on a video conference.

Kankakee bill collector Sybil Kibble and I had trouble connecting over Zuum, so she went to her local PetMart to buy some dog-food dinner.

Since her favorite — Alpo — was not on sale, she bought this doggie doobie hoping to get high.

Sybil did not get the buzz she wanted after working a long, hard day interrupting strangers’ meals, so she gave it to her ma JoAnn who rents her basement, because JoAnn loves squirrel-watching. What a doozy.

A colour photograph of a squirrel-shaped dog toy. Text reads: "Dog toys and treats crafted with naturally calming doggnip".

[ EYES ONLY: What’s a virtual tip jar? Find out here. Or just look at stuff, that’s okay too. ]

Top Ten Stupid Ways to Annoy People

~ Jen ~ Leave a comment
  1. Write to classified ads from 25 years ago. Personal ads a plus.
  2. Forward those survey emails get when you give away your info at the store to all your friends in your contact list.
  3. Call 1-900 chat lines and ask for pizza.
  4. Burn girlie magazines in the fireplace. When the owner of the magazines sees what you’re doing and gets mad, tell him that you ran out of firewood and didn’t want to freeze.
  5. Wish somebody a happy birthday in the paper when it’s not their birthday. Better yet, make up names (and try to rhyme).
  6. Speak in tongues to telemarketers.
  7. Ring the doorbell at a stranger’s house right when they show the Publisher’s Clearing House van pull up on TV on the day they pick the winner. Then run away as fast as possible.
  8. Pronounce company initials and vowel-less acronyms as whole words.
  9. Call up companies and ask if they’re “hearing”. When they ask you what you’re talking about, ask if you can get an “aphlication”.
  10. Drive a motorcycle up your parents’ stairs when they’re trying to sleep.