Tag: creatures

Excuses, Excuses.

~ Jen ~ 4 Comments

“Excuse me, excuse me sir, YOUR laundry is done!” shapeshifting humanoid turkey-vulture Carla Moran squawks at Konrad “Kon” Teirant who had fallen asleep at the Manteno mini-casino/laundromat “Spin-n-Sudz.”

“Yeah! I need a machine!” sister Sonya Moran says at the man who had ruffled her feathers in his sleep.

Carla continues to poke Konrad, who had spent the past week staying up late cooking the books into a mutated mystery-meat mess at the Kankakee bill-collection company Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS).

Carla shoves Kon into the slot-machine, causing it to spin into oblivion, make a racket and flash like a fire truck.

“I won the jackpot!” Konrad says in a startled haze.

“No, dude, that’s my jackpot!”

“It’s mine!”

The two avian sisters peck at each other over Konrad’s money, to which they think they are entitled. The love money more than Kon, and that is hard to beat.

The owner walks in. “Who let these stupid birds in? Don’t y’all know not to feed the animals?” she says as she scans her eyes across the mini-casino and bar. She picks up a broom.

“Shoo ladies! Shoo! Fly away and don’t come back now, y’hear.”

Konrad goes to collect his winnings, ignoring the warning screen right under his nose:

“TILT!”

“Sorry sir, malfunctions void all transactions. It says so right on the sign.”

“Wha–“

“It’s our policy.”

Konrad audibly shuffles his feet over to the laundromat to pick up his clothes, like a toddler ready to throw a tantrum.

“Sorry sir, we just closed. You’ll have to get your laundry tomorrow.”

A wild Konrad storms out the building into the Manteno parking lot looking for someone else to blame for his own mistake, because why take responsibility when you can just blame someone else? So goes the mind of a tyrant anyway.

“You stupid birds! You cost me my big bag!” Konrad yells into the Midwestern clouds at the vultures who had long flown away, like a wolf howling at the moon, or a pixellated coyote from a casino slot machine if you prefer.

Then it begins to rain.

At Least Sonya Did Not Chop Off The Giblets and Send Carla the Bill.

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Shapeshifting humanoid vulture and Midwestern slumlord Sonya Moran was busy minding her own business, taking a break from chowing down on a carrion score found on the streets of Manteno, Illinois. Her bored sister Carla thought it would be cute to bother her sister for no reason whatsoever, other than to get a rise out of her. Ennui filled the creature with rage. After all, she only looks good on the outside.

“”When is the last time you cut your hair? It looks awful!” the self-righteous narcadoodle Carla berated her histrionic sister Sonya.

“I’ll clip YOUR wings!” Sonya lunged back, massive shears in tow.

“Oh no, not the blood feathers!”

Manteno Cantina Madness

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

Bog witch extraordinaire and port-a-potty proprietor Bernadette Moran Cacca is out walking while taking a break from burning the portable poo from Peppi’s Portapotties in her fireplace. Looking forward to her accordion and vuvuzela gig at the new Manteno Cantina, she gets interrupted by her mom, shapeshifting humanoid vulture Carla Moran:

“Why are you wearing THAT? You need to wear your NICE shirt.”

“This shirt is nice!” Bern replies to her mother who is wearing a moo-moo outside, perched atop a tree stump.

“You know what I mean. Wear your pretty shirt! Don’t you want to look good in front of your audience?”

“Maaa, I can see your cloaca.“

“That’s it! I’m calling Aunt Sonya! You are NOT to show up tonight. WE will handle it.”

Birds of a feather Carla and Sonya Moran team up to go on stage at the Manteno Cantina, located in the basement of the Optimal Club.

“Where’s your makeup?” Sonya demands of her sister and bandmate.

“I dunno — where’s your dress? Are going to stand up here looking like THAT?”

“I am my costume. My body is covered in paint. Nobody will know I am not wearing any clothes.”

The Morans belch out a few tunes.

Food is thrown onto stage including chicken wing bones, the two vultures nom it up and fly over the crowd, pooping.

Then they fly off stage-right.

“And now for our next guest, Wally Green, the Karaoke Machine!”

The bulbous 60-something drugstore owner, barfly and wacky inventor walks over to center stage, a slow clap is heard.

He takes the mic:

“Fart your birds, fart your parakeets, gimme all your budgies, hope your birds are real.

Don’t try to fly,

Don’t try and tweet.

Gimme all your budgies!

Fart your parrrrakkeeeeets.”

Somebirdy Needs Better Hobbies.

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“Why are you wearing THAT? What is that thing in your nose? That looks awful!” a creepy – yet familiar – voice echoes throughout the the eaves of Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes’ Manteno home, annoying the poor ladies who are just sitting down on their patent leather chairs minding their own business. Their stalker is back.

Wanting to find the source of their pest, the trio of slender black beauties climb atop the roof of their slate Gothic Victorian mansion, and briefly take in the view of their town. Illinois is full of small towns. This is one of them.

“Why is that stupid vulture asking us dumb questions and pooping all over her claws?” Gothic Diana Ross asks her bandmates about the bird trespassing on their grass.

“It flew into our wall today. Twice.” Gothic Mary deadpans.

A large nest is spotted, hidden inside one of the spires.

The shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture hurls more insults at the talented sisters.

“Your hair is full of rats’ nests! You need a wax! When’s the last time you had a shower?”

“That looks like Bernadette’s mom!” Gothic Flo tells the Ross siblings.

Gothic Diana has had enough. She looks Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran dead in the eye, only for the stupid bird to go into defensive mode. Carla pukes up all over the Ross sisters’ lawn. Feeling egged on, Mrs. Moran tries to make herself look bigger by extending and flapping her wings as if they were fists ready for a fight. She looks like a confused chicken.

“Here’s your rat’s nest!” Gothic Flo says as she chucks Carla’s second home clear across Kant Street into next Tuesday. The ladies don’t like squatters.

Carla flies up onto the roof, and starts making demands. She clearly has no concept of boundaries.

“NOW I CAME HERE TO TEACH YOU GUYS A LESSON! SEE WHAT YOU DID? NOW I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!”

“I’ll show you respect!” Gothic Diana Ross knocks the angry bird straight into the ground with a single punch, Carla’s long, pointy beak stuck straight into the grass. The inverted bird’s long, dark tail sticks straight up with her cloaca for all the neighbors to see.

The ladies share a deep belly laugh, and beckon their next-door-neighbor, the equally moronic Bernadette Moran Cacca to pick up her mother.

Two Halves of the Same Moron

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

“And now for our next act, two Bernadette Caccas in a trenchcoat!” barks the ringleader Konrad Teirant at Moronic Half-Assets Three Ring Circus in Manteno. 

“Oh look, that’s the shapeshifting humanoid vultures Sonya and Carla Moran flying above! Look out, they just might poop on ya!”

The crowd covers their heads.

“Splat” goes the bird doo right atop Kankakee County’s number one Elvis impersonator:

“I wish I wore a hat…” Robbie Hurlbutt moans as the Undead Greg next to him munches his turd sandwich. He eats poopies to stay undead.

“Next up, flying monkeys! Oh my, oh my!”

Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Pie-o-rrhea!

~ Jen ~ 2 Comments

“Bernadette, your teeth look awful. If you don’t brush them to my standards, you are going to get Pie-o-rrhea.”

“Peoria?”

“If you DON’T brush and floss 8 times a day, you could get an infection that could give you a heart attack.”

“East or North?”

“I’m only telling you this because I lost all my teeth.” 

“Vultures have no teeth.”

“Don’t talk back to me!” the toothless, shapeshifting, humanoid vulture gaslights her daughter.

Bernadette rips a huge fart and lights it, aims the gas blast toward her evil mother’s face, letting her butt do the talking. She has a bad case of Pyro-hhea.

MoronicArts are the “Colour of Life”

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A fan-made video was made starring these idiots. Youtube ads are yucky. If you use an adblocker, log out of PooTube to work around the glitch. The Moroniverse will thank you.

Carrion On

~ Jen ~ 1 Comment

Albion, Indiana shapeshifting vulture Carla Moran complains at her sister-in-law, fellow shapeshifter Sonya Moran, because she dropped a piece of carrion she has been eating:

 “You just dropped that perfectly good piece of rotted carcass. You shouldn’t waste food! Now you’re getting that all over your feathers.”

“Umm, do you think I did it on purpose? I’ll wait…” Sonya claps back.

“I am just trying to help!” Carla gaslights.

“How bold of you to assume I did that intentionally. I bet you never dropped anything in your entire lifespan!”

“Okay, okay, okay, drop it already.”

“I will!”

Sonya steals her sister-in-law’s food right out her mouth, dropping her entire meal all over the ground at the Albion park, much to the dismay of her controlling sister-in-law and that of all the residents below.