9. Tell the caller that they make you feel like dancin’ every time they call, then hang up.
8. Ask the caller if he or she would like to take a survey.
7. When the collector tried to increase your payment amount, tell him or her you will go double or nothing, depending on whether or not you win the lottery jackpot.
6. Tell the collector to “please hold for the next representative.” Bonus points if you hum some on-hold music.
5. Tell them you cannot pay because you just got butt implants and they were really expensive.
4. Ask them if they accept pennies.
3. Reply as if you were reading from a script.
2. Play a commercial for a local car dealer or furniture store over the phone.
1. Tell them you will pay in full, then hang up right before they go to collect your payment information.
“La di da di daaaaa…” Sybil sings poorly as she logs off the autodialer. She has racked up yet another commission and is in a great mood. “Are you going to help out in the Guys N Gals auction, Sybil?” Clio asks as she hands Ms. Kibble a flyer.
“What’s that about, Clio?” Sybil asks.
“Oh, our Glee Committee came up with it to benefit the Kankakee School District Square Dancing Club. We auction off some of our employees to each other. It is for a great cause. Read the flyer.”
“Hot dog! I’ll be there! Sign me up! Can I go first?” Sybil squeaks.
“We will see. It starts today at 3:30. Employees who volunteer get an hour off,” Clio tells Sybil.
Sybil tosses aside the flyer and pours herself a bowl of dog food for lunch.
A little before 3:30 PM, the CRASS conference room begins to fill. CRASS CEO Mack E. Avelli walks over to the podium and adjusts the microphone.
“Today marks the first annual Guys N Gals auction here at CRASS. Each one of you has an 8.5 by 11 inch piece of card stock with a number printed on one side. When our Accounting Manager, Konrad Teirant calls out a bid, you interested bidders hold up your card. Our first person up for bid is the ever enthusiastic Ms. Sybil Kibble!”
Sybil silently hopes to herself that the ever so suave Dorian wins her.
“Who would like to bid first? Can I get $25?”
The ever so slovenly Dale Davis holds up his card.
Sybil dies a bit inside.
“Can we get $50?”
Mikey Philips from Maintenance holds up his card.
Sybil frowns a bit more.
“Good, we have a couple bids. Let’s get a bidding war going. This is for a great cause. Kankakee Schools, guys. Let’s get $100.00.”
Dale holds up his bid card.
“Great. Can we get “$200?”
Mikey holds up his number.
“How about $400?”
Awkward silence passes for a few seconds.
“$400 going once.”
Sybil gets really nervous, thinking she will have to go home with Mikey. Sybil bites her nails.
“$400 going twice.”
Sybil’s anxiety turns to anger. This totally did not turn out the way she expected. Sybil starts visibly shaking.
“Aaaaand—“
Dorian’s card goes up.
“Great! We have $800.00 now.”
Sybil’s heart beats with excitement. Maybe she will get her date with Dorian at last! Now he has to keep the highest bid!
“$800 going once.”
A smirk begins to form across Dorian’s face.
“$800 going twice.”
Dorian’s smirk widens.
“SOLD!”
“One service worker won by Dorian James! Now Sybil, I am certain you will enjoy doing everything Dorian tells you. Have fun!”
“What? SER-vice? I thought this was a date auction!” Sybil screams.
“This is a service auction, and it is for a great cause, run by the Guys N Gals Glee Club. Now you guys go have fun!” Mr. Avelli tells Sybil.
“I need you to clean my monitor, rearrange my filing system and scrub my fish tank. I am going to keep you busy!” Dorian tells a disappointed Sybil as the two work their way out the door.
Manteno moron, port-o-dump proprietor and attention-seeker Bern Cacca is in awe of herself as she watches the televisions at the electronics store. This commercial advertising her and her Peppi Cacca rap about doing their business at Peppi’s Portapotties is displaying on all screens at once. A sales clerk approaches the mesmerized Bernadette, only to get brushed off. So in love with her own image, Bern fails to reflect upon the fact that she is only on TV because she paid to advertise.
A Kankakee, Illinois bill collector and dog-food enthusiast discovered the secret entrance to the sock void in her dryer,
“I went looking for that last sock, and found it just barely hanging on. Thankfully it escaped the force of the black hole and I saved it from eternal doom,” Sybil Kibble told MoronicArts.
This groundbreaking scientific discovery will certainly help laundry-doers across the globe. More research is needed to figure out how that void got there in the first place.
Yesterday, November 17th, was Wally Green’s store clerk, Elvis impersonator and covert narcissist Robbie Hurlbutt’s birthday.
“Are you hosting anyone for Thanksgiving?”” Wally asked Robbie.
“No, my table is rather small.”
“How about your birthday?”
Robbie spied a discounted flower bouquet and rang it up himself to ensure he got his employee discount, not caring that it was against company policy.
“I bought myself these flowers to put on my tiny table.”
The smallest violin played over the store intercom.
In walked Robbie’s number one crush, Gothic Diana Ross, whom Robbie had a history of relentlessly stalking.
“Diana, it’s my birthday and I want to give YOU these roses if you spend it with me.”
Unimpressed, Diana knocked the bouquet to the floor and walked away.
“Be sure to clean up that mess,” Wally Green tells his subordinate.
“Diana, I spent all that money on you, and you just threw my love away,” Robbie said to try and guilt-trip the singer and leader of the Midnight Supremes.
Kankakee Elvis impersonator Robbie Hurlbutt — who believes he is the reincarnation of Elvis Presley — is number one in his own bathroom. Don’t lock him in.
Kankakee slumlord, sociopath and Vaudeville clown Madeline Topolla-Teirant struts into a busy Buckstars hoping to score some free java. “Welcome to Buckstars, what can I get started?” the friendly coffee clerk in the green apron asks a towering 5’10”, 300 pound Madeline. “I don’t have time to wait. You guys are horrible people, childish little girls and boys. Get my drink right and make it fast or I am going to go to the cafe down the street.”
“Okay, what would you like?” the barista replies with a smile.
“Get me a pink drink and make it fast. Not the orange drink like you screwed up last time.”
The barista cashes out Madeline; the bulbous clown and slum manager walks off to the side, away from the long line of thirsty customers.
Regular customer Kitty Bortolotti, the tall, curly haired, mixed-race beauty with the star earrings is next in line.
“Can I speak to the manager?” a confident Kitty asks with her hands on her hips.
“Sure.”
Kitty winks at the team leader. “I don’t need anything, I just want to help you. Don’t let your staff be afraid of certain customers who try and intimidate your staff, if you know what I mean. I have experience; she’s all talk.”
“Customers like you are the best,” the supervisor says to Kitty.
“Glad to help.”
The two exchange smiles and a nod, then Kitty orders a drink alongside her best friend.
Kitty waits patiently for her drinks, meanwhile an obviously agitated Madeline storms over to the counter and screams at the barista, who has better things to do than listen to a screaming Madeline.
Kitty’s drinks come back. “We made you an extra one because we love great customers like you.”
“Awww thanks! You guys are the best.” Kitty takes a bill from her lime-green wallet and places it in the tip jar.
Kitty lifts the cup carrier, walks off to the side and chats with her best friend forever, Lana “LTL” Tolstoy Levitsky.
A bunch of names are called out: “LaWanda! Marigold! Damien!” but not Madeline’s. The happy customers grab their cups of joy and walk out the door.
“Abby!”
Madeline turns to Abby and asks “What drink is that?”
A confused Abby looks over to Madeline.
“A pink one.”
“Oh I thought you had mine, we got the same thing.”
“Yeah sure.” Abby gives Madeline a dirty look and walks out the door.
“Madeline!”
“I hope they’re not clownin’ around with my drink!” Madeline thinks aloud.
“We made it just how you wanted it,” The barista says with a smile.
Madeline takes a sip and then reads the cup: “MADWOMAN”.
The entire cafe full of customers starts giggling and the room roars with laughter.
Madwoman storms out the cafe and walks behind the strip mall, where she is again greeted by the site of her best friends, the cafe dumpsters.
Bourbonnais cinema clerk, neckbeard and communal narcissist Damien Hurlbutt is happy to finally have a new girlfriend to impress with his lovebombing of gifts, Miss Rachel Shelley of Detroit. Too bad for him, he cannot see the thought bubble next to him, as she dreams about her other lover, Kankakee druggie Leon Peeonne.
MoronicArts 
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