Somebirdy Needs Better Hobbies.

“Why are you wearing THAT? What is that thing in your nose? That looks awful!” a creepy – yet familiar – voice echoes throughout the the eaves of Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes’ Manteno home, annoying the poor ladies who are just sitting down on their patent leather chairs minding their own business. Their stalker is back.

Wanting to find the source of their pest, the trio of slender black beauties climb atop the roof of their slate Gothic Victorian mansion, and briefly take in the view of their town. Illinois is full of small towns. This is one of them.

“Why is that stupid vulture asking us dumb questions and pooping all over her claws?” Gothic Diana Ross asks her bandmates about the bird trespassing on their grass.

“It flew into our wall today. Twice.” Gothic Mary deadpans.

A large nest is spotted, hidden inside one of the spires.

The shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture hurls more insults at the talented sisters.

“Your hair is full of rats’ nests! You need a wax! When’s the last time you had a shower?”

“That looks like Bernadette’s mom!” Gothic Flo tells the Ross siblings.

Gothic Diana has had enough. She looks Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran dead in the eye, only for the stupid bird to go into defensive mode. Carla pukes up all over the Ross sisters’ lawn. Feeling egged on, Mrs. Moran tries to make herself look bigger by extending and flapping her wings as if they were fists ready for a fight. She looks like a confused chicken.

“Here’s your rat’s nest!” Gothic Flo says as she chucks Carla’s second home clear across Kant Street into next Tuesday. The ladies don’t like squatters.

Carla flies up onto the roof, and starts making demands. She clearly has no concept of boundaries.

“NOW I CAME HERE TO TEACH YOU GUYS A LESSON! SEE WHAT YOU DID? NOW I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!”

“I’ll show you respect!” Gothic Diana Ross knocks the angry bird straight into the ground with a single punch, Carla’s long, pointy beak stuck straight into the grass. The inverted bird’s long, dark tail sticks straight up with her cloaca for all the neighbors to see.

The ladies share a deep belly laugh, and beckon their next-door-neighbor, the equally moronic Bernadette Moran Cacca to pick up her mother.

Captured

A black-and-white drawing of a skinny blonde lady photographing a daemon at the mall.

“Ooooh, you’re cute” says 22 year young Judy Avelli, as she encounters Marty the Mailer-Daemon at a Chicagoland mall. Meanwhile, her 60-something husband, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) cheese-in-chief Mack E. Avelli is outside photographing roadkill. Judy captures Marty on film, while the mailer-daemon captures her heart.

The Craptocoin

Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite emojis?

Made from Newly Formed Turds (NFTs) mined the old-fashioned way, Manteno’s very own bog witch and doo-doo-gooder Bern Cacca says:
“Craptocoin can put poop back into your backside! Have a good do your business day!”
– B.M. Cacca

Be sure to wipe and flush. Don’t forget to wash your hands!

Kankakee Rap Tune is a Hit with Sybil Kibble.

Kankakee bill-collector, basic babe and dog-food connoisseur Sybil Kibble thinks this rap tune is such a bop, she made it her ringtone.

Sybil Kibble Treats Herself.

After a long week training her team how to screw up their new account Expeedia, lead debt collector and basic babe Sybil Kibble drives her Chrysler LeBaron home from her Kankakee job at Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) to munch on some of her favorite treats and play with her lighthouse collection. LIVELAUGHLOVE!

Robbie Hurlbutt is a Bad Piggie

“All that birdie-birdie-birdie, chirp chirp cheer those cardinals sing in their mating calls, it is so repetitive,” drugstore clerk, vulnerable narc-a-doodle and Elvis impersonator Robert Roy Gary Hurlbutt complains in his mother PJ’s Kankakee backyard.

“Umm, Robbie, I feel pretty confident Red is not looking to mate with you,” Sybil Kibble explains to the son of her neighbor and best friend PJ Hurlbutt with a smile as she plays the Angry Birds game on her phone.

Bern Cacca’s Stinky Stickers

Communal narcissist, obnoxious driver and Manteno-based portable-waste operator Bern Cacca went to another Schmucks grocery store hoping to play her favorite drag-race simulator after her out-of-order experience the last time.

Though their Running in the 90s game was also broken, Bern did get to spend her quarters on cleaning out these vending machines instead.

Wally’s Wacky Wares

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

How dumb are the stupid regulations here in the United States that restaurants are required to put Fool’s Bread on every sandwich wrap and Camouflage Straw-paper on every straw? So dumb that Wally Green sells every variety!

Fool your friends, creep out your customers and puke-induce your patients with Wally’s patented Fakeout Paper every time they take a bite! Instant sensory overload guaranteed!

Buy one pallet, get one half off (but never free) at your corner Wally Green’s, home of the Turd Machine and the Wallyt! While you’re there, say hi to Deerfield native and Kankakee resident, Mr. Walter Augustine Green himself. The self-proclaimed “nice guy” is single and ready to mingle, ladies!

Meet Bernadette the Kitten!

MoronicArts has received news that someone in the Midwest named a kitty after the fictional Manteno moron Bernadette Moran Cacca. From left to right: Not-Bernadette, Bernadette, Another Non-Bernadette cat.

That poor cat! When asked if she poops a lot, we were told “Of course! She is a bottle baby.”

As Seen At Wally Green’s.

Wally Green’s Brand Spanking-New Inventions

DO-IT-YOURSELF NASAL ENDOSCOPY

Why go to the doctor when you can do your own medical tests? New to Wally’s Pharmacy Department, pick your nose and use our hose to see what troubles your throat may pose. Buy one, get one half-off (but never free!)

“Works like a charm!” – Lifted truck salesman and Juggalo, Brandon Dixon, Peotone

CRAP FLAPPITY 

This toilet seat is not only buy one, get one half off (but never free), but it attacks people randomly using Wally’s patented cheap brackets. Why take a boring dump when you can take an annoying one? 

“This is an awesome toilet seat!” – Communal narcadoodle, photo-op enthusiast and entramanure Bernadette Cacca, Manteno

Goes great on any FussPot. Get Wally’s half-ply toilet paper to put in it!

DAEMON PHONE FROM HELL

These mobile phones are three for $1000 (must buy three). Why buy a boring mobile phone? Wally’s exclusive D-Mobile phone plays with itself when you are aren’t looking, dialing random numbers and opening random crapApps. Maybe it will dial 911 when you least expect it!

“D-Mobile is a great phone. Trust me, I sell them myself!” — Wally Green’s floor clerk Robbie Hurlbutt, Kankakee