Like the lady from the insurance commercial, Kankakee basement dweller JoAnn “JK” Kibble loves crushing her candy game, when she’s not watching 500 Left Turns or chasing squirrels.
JoAnn Kibble Loves to Crush Candy.
Tag: short story
Don’t behave like these morons.
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Happy UnDeath Day, Greg Schneissder!
Nobody knows when Manteno’s very own xenophobe, gun-humper and MAGAt Greg Schneissder was born, however we do know that on July 15th, he met his fate down at the bog after communal narcissist, show-tunes cover singer and swamp witch Bernadette Cacca ate him for supper. Then she pooped him out.
The ground shook as the newly undead Greg rose from the rocks, his zombie-fied body now infected with the slow-burn virus on that fateful mid-July day. Bernadette’s farts did not help.
Happy UnDeath Day, Greg!
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Manteno Cantina Madness
Bog witch extraordinaire and port-a-potty proprietor Bernadette Moran Cacca is out walking while taking a break from burning the portable poo from Peppi’s Portapotties in her fireplace. Looking forward to her accordion and vuvuzela gig at the new Manteno Cantina, she gets interrupted by her mom, shapeshifting humanoid vulture Carla Moran:
“Why are you wearing THAT? You need to wear your NICE shirt.”
“This shirt is nice!” Bern replies to her mother who is wearing a moo-moo outside, perched atop a tree stump.
“You know what I mean. Wear your pretty shirt! Don’t you want to look good in front of your audience?”
“Maaa, I can see your cloaca.“
“That’s it! I’m calling Aunt Sonya! You are NOT to show up tonight. WE will handle it.”
Birds of a feather Carla and Sonya Moran team up to go on stage at the Manteno Cantina, located in the basement of the Optimal Club.
“Where’s your makeup?” Sonya demands of her sister and bandmate.
“I dunno — where’s your dress? Are going to stand up here looking like THAT?”
“I am my costume. My body is covered in paint. Nobody will know I am not wearing any clothes.”
The Morans belch out a few tunes.
Food is thrown onto stage including chicken wing bones, the two vultures nom it up and fly over the crowd, pooping.
Then they fly off stage-right.
“And now for our next guest, Wally Green, the Karaoke Machine!”
The bulbous 60-something drugstore owner, barfly and wacky inventor walks over to center stage, a slow clap is heard.
He takes the mic:
“Fart your birds, fart your parakeets, gimme all your budgies, hope your birds are real.
Don’t try to fly,
Don’t try and tweet.
Gimme all your budgies!
Fart your parrrrakkeeeeets.”
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Somebirdy Needs Better Hobbies.
“Why are you wearing THAT? What is that thing in your nose? That looks awful!” a creepy – yet familiar – voice echoes throughout the the eaves of Gothic Diana Ross & The Midnight Supremes’ Manteno home, annoying the poor ladies who are just sitting down on their patent leather chairs minding their own business. Their stalker is back.
Wanting to find the source of their pest, the trio of slender black beauties climb atop the roof of their slate Gothic Victorian mansion, and briefly take in the view of their town. Illinois is full of small towns. This is one of them.
“Why is that stupid vulture asking us dumb questions and pooping all over her claws?” Gothic Diana Ross asks her bandmates about the bird trespassing on their grass.
“It flew into our wall today. Twice.” Gothic Mary deadpans.
A large nest is spotted, hidden inside one of the spires.
The shapeshifting humanoid turkey vulture hurls more insults at the talented sisters.
“Your hair is full of rats’ nests! You need a wax! When’s the last time you had a shower?”
“That looks like Bernadette’s mom!” Gothic Flo tells the Ross siblings.
Gothic Diana has had enough. She looks Carla Rachella Amanda Medici Moran dead in the eye, only for the stupid bird to go into defensive mode. Carla pukes up all over the Ross sisters’ lawn. Feeling egged on, Mrs. Moran tries to make herself look bigger by extending and flapping her wings as if they were fists ready for a fight. She looks like a confused chicken.
“Here’s your rat’s nest!” Gothic Flo says as she chucks Carla’s second home clear across Kant Street into next Tuesday. The ladies don’t like squatters.
Carla flies up onto the roof, and starts making demands. She clearly has no concept of boundaries.
“NOW I CAME HERE TO TEACH YOU GUYS A LESSON! SEE WHAT YOU DID? NOW I DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!”
“I’ll show you respect!” Gothic Diana Ross knocks the angry bird straight into the ground with a single punch, Carla’s long, pointy beak stuck straight into the grass. The inverted bird’s long, dark tail sticks straight up with her cloaca for all the neighbors to see.
The ladies share a deep belly laugh, and beckon their next-door-neighbor, the equally moronic Bernadette Moran Cacca to pick up her mother.
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Latinum Power!
Win up to a million slips of Latinum, from these new scratchers brought to you by the Ferengi School of Business! Buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s!
“Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money”
– Ulis
Meets Ferengi Rules of Acquisition 1, 9, 10, 18, 23, 57, 75, 102, 229, 263.
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8-Step Verification!
Do you like having to grab your sleeping phone just so you can get a code to log into a website, for which you have already typed your password and username? (On two separate screens, of course!) How many puzzles have you solved to prove you are really a human, and not a more-human-than-human android?
Now you can spend hours of fun trying to get a single task done with Wally Green’s new 8-Step Verification CrapApp!
Wally’s 8-Step Verification CrapApp comes pre-loaded on all D-Mobile phones and you can download it for devices you already own! Our phones check to see that the real you really is really really you really, after you’ve already readied your phone already.
First solve the puzzle, then type in the number that’s on your phone. Next, will call you with a six-character alphanumeric code to type in upside down! Draw a figure eight, then enter username. Wait for the spinning cheerio of death, then enter your password. Go order a pizza, wait for delivery, then eat it.
Ooops! We don’t recognize that password. Please visit your corner Wally Green’s for assistance. If you are single, ask for Wally Green himself! He has already pushed himself away from every single lady at the Gaslight Bar by telling his long-winded yarns and by blowing his 90 decibel air-horn nose.
Buy one, get one half off (but never free)! While you are shopping, be sure to check out the do-it-yourself nasal endoscopy kit and pick up some rolls of half-ply toilet paper!
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Marty The Mailer-Daemon Flirts With Judi Avelli
Judi Avelli, 20-something wife of the 60-something Mack E. Avelli, enjoys being flirted with by Marty the Mailer-Daemon while her husband is too busy running the crooked Kankakee debt collection firm Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS). She does not care who she dates or flirts with as long as he is evil – dead or alive.
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Captured
“Ooooh, you’re cute” says 22 year young Judy Avelli, as she encounters Marty the Mailer-Daemon at a Chicagoland mall. Meanwhile, her 60-something husband, Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS) cheese-in-chief Mack E. Avelli is outside photographing roadkill. Judy captures Marty on film, while the mailer-daemon captures her heart.
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GrammarLOON
Wally Green proudly Introduces his new CrapApp GrammarLOON! Now you can pay money to make your computer interrupt you writing that important document for your boss, only to get whole sentences replaced with absolute gibberish! Impress your teacher by getting Ds instead of As or Bs on your homework because GrammarLOON screwed it up!
As seen in a recursive advertising loop on PooTube, the makers of AutoIncorrect want to take your typing frustrations to the next level! We are absolutely ducking sure you can buy one, get one half off (but never free) at your local Wally Green’s!
Cross your fingers to safely pull into our Kankakee County corner lot, get a decent spot, then pick up a Word Salad Adapter for your Turd Machine while you’re there waiting two hours for your meds (which we told you on the phone would be ready in twenty minutes). If you happen to see the owner and wacky inventor Wally Green himself, ladies you sure are in luck! He is single, will date any woman who stands on two legs and won’t take no for an answer!
MoronicArts 
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