Bernadette Cacca Blames The Poopy Groupies For Her Bad Driving

Manteno’s very own Bernadette Cacca, Queen of the Porcelain Throne and communal narcadoodle brags and boasts about everything whether people want to read it — or not.

“I am on my way to Chicago now to do a potty job! I have only been there once and I have lived in Illinois my ENTIRE LIFE!”

The one-time wrestler and dishonorably discharged soldier Bernadette peels out her Kant Street driveway, thinking she’s drifting, when she is really just a drifter.

“This traffic is crazy! I have never seen it this way!” Bernadette says as she makes her way up 57 toward 90/94, weaves in and out of traffic, nearly clipping an 18-wheeler. Pretty red, blue and yellow lights shine down from the heavens and illuminate the dazed and confused Cacca.

“Oh hi Officer! My name is Bernadette Cacca, you may know me from–“

“License and registration, ma’am.”

“I love your perfume. Are you having a baby?”

“No, I’m just fat. Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asks a befuddled Bern, trying to hide the frustration in his face of having just been misgendered.

“Pulled me over? Little old me? I’m a star you know. Here, have a sucker.”

“I’ll let that go for now. You were going 99 miles-per-hour and you nearly caused an accident.”

“Oh beautiful, come here. I will buy you a drink and comp you at my next show.”

“I am writing you a ticket for the speeding and issuing an appearance ticket for bribery.”

“Let me speak to your supervisor.”

“Slow down, Karen,” the cop orders Bernadette as he hands her two the tickets she had rightfully earned and safely merges back into traffic. Meanwhile, Bernadette pulls out her smell phone, texts and pulls away as she barfs up this monstrosity onto The Poopy Groupies Fakebook page and Instaspam:

Then she poops her pants. Gotta mine that Craptocoin the old-fashioned way: by making NFTs (Newly Formed Turds).